I just feel a need to write to you today because I have so many emotions and they are all mixed up...
I'll try and get them out...
Bittersweet is the word that most describes how I feel today. So much love, so much effort, so much raised in your name, your name, Haydon John James Kennan. But if you were here with me, Mummy wouldn't be caught up in her "other job" that is your charity and takes up so much of her time, and I wouldn't change that for a second now because it is all about you and all for you xxx
But I wouldn't be doing any of these things if you were still with us. I wouldn't have thought about how precious foot and hand imprints were , because we would still have you and we would see a range of them in our house by now as your feet grew bigger and bigger. We wouldn't have known just how precious they are, the depth of how precious they are. We do now.
Lost is another word today because I don't really know where I fit into the world now. I am a Mummy without her child. I don't match my friends who have their children with them because they couldn't even imagine. I am also not a Mummy trying for more kids, that dream is in the past. I am not even a girl who has never been a Mummy so that innocence is lost too, because I am still a Mummy to you. In a very different way.
Proud, because of you, because of the stir you create in people and they want to do things for you, I am proud of them too for wanting to help you. Without this pride that people have in you Haydon, we wouldn't be able to have your charity and fund-raise and give those precious gifts to others who are having the be apart from their little one too. Because of those people and their continual efforts, families all over are getting a gift from you, and that is so so important. You were such a gentle boy when you were here, I have no doubt at all that you are also proud of your family and friends for putting a positive spin on you being here and having to leave.
Nostalgic is another word today. I miss being with you in all of those horrible hospital wards. I miss being that annoying parent with all the doctors and nurses because all I ever wanted was the very best of care for you. Gentle care. Like you got all the time from Mummy and Daddy and your family. I have been thinking a lot about you in the hospital, what you went through, how brave you were for a little boy who was born into a world of pain and knew nothing else. Life was unfair to you Haydon, so unfair and that will never be okay. But like I protected you then, I still protect you now. Passionately. Fiercely. and anyone that crosses Mummy about you or children who are brave like you know it. I can't and won't change that about myself because you are still my priority. Always.
Shocked is another word I feel today. Shocked that I can so easily slip into the pit, so easily, it doesn't take much. Everyday I feel like I am walking on a tight-rope but that is 'normal' for me now', the slightest slip though is something that I fear, because it happens so quickly. I am strong. I am stronger than I have ever been. But I am also still a fragile and broken Mummy on the inside. I think for the most part I hide that bit of me better than I give myself credit for. But I am shocked with the speed that I can lose my balance, the speed of the fall. I will keep holding on though because there is no other choice, I am waiting, I will wait.
Here is a picture of you and me in our special Mummy and Haydon time. I am so fortunate to have been able to have these memories. There is no 'at least' though. There never is when you watch your child fly away from you, at any age. You knew you were loved. I am sure you still know it because you are the only person who could have told me what my heartbeat sounds like from the inside xxxxxxxx <3
True love Haydon. That's what you are. Forever and always my son, my hero, my heart and my soul xxxxx
You make Mummy and Daddy so proud. You just do xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx <3
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