Capture Your Grief 2014

Another year.

This grief changes but it continues to dominate my heart.

I shall be participating in Carly Marie's project once again - you can read more about it on the following link

Capture Your Grief 2014

Thank you for taking the time to learn about my journey xxxxx

Day 1. My husband took this picture of sunrise to start of our 'Capture Your Grief' project. Over the next month you may see parents posting about their child, and life without their child. Even if you can't understand this loss and journey, please be respectful as we share. Thank you xxx

Day 2.  Heart.  Who has a piece?

Day 3: BEFORE. 

Who were you before your children died? 

A happy go lucky young couple excited at the prospect of together and what it meant for us. We had a carefree innocence of our future, we planned our lives.

How have you changed?

We have aged beyond recognition, even to ourselves. Tears come easily. Sometimes there are dips so low, that only each other can really understand them, without any need for an explanation. A fierce need to honour our children, still put them first, defend their memories as we would have defended their lives.

Do you miss anything about that person?

That when we laugh, it is tainted by a sadness that most people can't see. We miss the innocence of life, and our dream of parenthood. We miss being able to get up everyday and have happy thoughts, because each time we open our eyes we remember. We miss being able to be surrounded by young children and babies and just enjoy their company, or viewing their photogrpahs. To date, neither of us have held another child and don't want to, and looking at photographs is too painful a reminder of what we have lost. Not only our babies, but our dream.

What did you love about that person? The ability to bounce back each time we lost a baby, although that became harder with each loss. We had laughter that was infectious, and would sparkle in our eyes. We loved being social butterflies, always out, always having fun or planning to.

Did you dislike anything? The feeling of failure. We couldn't manage the most natural thing in the world.

Do you see your life as before and after or do you believe that you have always been changing?

There is a before and after for each and every one of our lost babies. The depth of the change became more obvious to us with each loss we had.

The 2^nd biggest impact to our before and after lives happened the day we brought our son home. We had managed it. Our dream come true. Our rainbow after the storms.

The major impact happened when we had to hold him and watch him leave us.

Since the day we had to let him go, we have had to learn how to live again, allow ourselves to feel again, and learn how to laugh again.

Day 4.  Now.

We take one day at a time as that's the only way we can cope now. We try and be upbeat and positive and try to make the most of life. We are more able to laugh. More able to go out. But along with that we are very easily thrown backwards. Together. Still together. We are lucky survivors after such a devastating loss to still have each other.

Day 5.  Journal.  This blog has been my safe space to write since Haydon left.  This tracks our journey better than any other piece of writing could.

My Wee Bubba

Day 6. Books. When Haydon first left I read so many books to confirm in my mind that there was an afterlife, and that he had gone to a safer place. This is what I posted about in my project last year. 
This year however, we favour the book 'Futures Lost, Futures Found.' We gave our story of our babies to the SANDS Lothian group and they created a book about the experience of loss, and ours is only a part of this. We were so proud to give our story, particularly about Haydon as this was capturing his life, in print, forever....and this in turn will help grieving parents in the future to see they aren't alone, although this loss feels extremely lonely xxx