It is now 9 sleeps until the day comes where I relive the moment I held my son in my arms and watched him leave. That will be 3 years ago on the 6th April. I don't feel better.
I cried at work tonight and that was hard.
But I have come home thinking...
wow...you were actually at WORK.
wow...You actually let them see you are human.
wow...you really do feel as shit as you felt although you convinced yourself that you weren't.
I can't and won't apologise for feeling how I do. I say I do because I can't talk for Jim. I never have,
I can talk about how he still goes to visit Haydon as often as I do. I can say he still cries for Haydon as often as I do. But I won't talk for him because this journey is very personal and very lonely. This is MY grief and MY feelings.
I know my family miss him... I do.
I know some of my friends think about him, possibly miss him too...I do.
I know that before I lost HIM, I thought I knew loss... I didn't. I do now.
Three years ago. In Yorkhill. Masses and Masses of operations and tests. Keeping busy buying clothes for him because we fought for him. He WOULD survive.
Hours and hours of sitting in cafes, museum's, passing hours during surgery...we could.. we knew He WOULD survive.
He didn't.
I will never get used to that. I will never be OVER that. I will NEVER be who I was or who I should be.
My neighbour has a pregnancy bump. I think she's scared to tell me. If I was her, I'd be scared too.
Chances are she will have her newborn child sitting in a pram at the back door. Chances are she will see her baby grow into a toddler and pulling up her flowers or digging in the dirt. Chances are she will have the happy family life that Jim and I were denied... That her Aunt informed her about when she moved in. yep, she'd avoiding us, not wanting to say.
Over the last 3 years I have learnt that other people's avoidance is NOT our responsibility. We didn't ask for this life OR want it...we were dealt it.
We are 'THAT' couple who lost their son...how awful...it might be contagious.
I am passed reaching out and trying to 'fix' the links. I am tired of reaching out and trying to 'repair' the damage that was done to friendships and relationships. I am tired of trying to hold 'him' inside all of the time., If he was here..it would be normal for him to be our world..but, he isn't so that just makes talking about him creepy.
Tough..I can't and I won't stop.
You might feel uncomfortable for a few minutes but I will feel uncomfortable for a lifetime.
And for the record, this isn't a pity party...this is MY life.
I wake every morning listening for him... I don't hear him.
I wake every morning remembering.., he isn't here.
I dream about him...I wake up and he is more than a heartbeat away.
I imagine him lying in my arms, I feel his weight...but , it's only his teddy.
I am tired trying to explain to people that I know things now..so tired.
I won't heal. fact.
I won't find full happiness. fact.
I won't find another purpose that makes up for losing him. fact.
I won't feel complete and completely happy again in time. fact.
As I explained tonight to a lovely lady I work with.... this is the loneliest grief in the world...
I can imagine losing relatives..actually, I don't have to it's happened and it IS shit.
I can imagine losing parents... I can't but I know it would completely floor me.
I can imagine losing grandparents... I can and have..and I will do again, someday..and that is shit too.
But..your child.
Please believe me when I say that is IS completely different.
i am missing my baby that passed just before 16 weeks old. I am also missing my toddler who should be 3 1/2. I am missing that child who should be at nursery now. I am missing that child who would most likely be walking/talking/dancing... I am missing that child that I would now be reading my 20 year collection of books to. I am now missing that child that I could share my 25 years of kiddie songs with. I am now missing my future. I am still missing my future.
I know now that this will never change. I know that as time passes I am only going to miss him more.
I can't celebrate his memory..what memories do I have to celebrate?
I can only close my eyes and imagine..........
mummy loves you bubba... she does...completely...it's so hard just now being without you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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