I am changed. And that is ok.

I can finally say it.  I am changed.  So different.

I am changed, but that is ok.  It is ok.
It isn't right that I am accepting that my life isn't as it should be, that will never be the case, nor am I 'over' the depth of my grief for him, my son, my Haydon.
I am changed in so many ways, but some of them, for the better.  He taught me many lessons, lessons that I would never have even wanted to know, but I had no choice.
I am accepting it is ok to be different, because who could ever go through the turmoil of potential infertility, a mock menopause, then losing 3 babies in my womb, to then losing my son in my arms after he has been in my world and changed everything.  My journey of Motherhood hasn't been easy, and I would beg anyone to consider a different outlook than this after walking in these shoes.

I was asked the other day when crying for my son, because I do cry for him, sometimes a lot, sometimes it doesn't stop, and there are other times now I can save it until I'm in my safe place....but, I was aked...is Massimo actually doing anything to help you.  I answered YES.

I can't say that everyday I want to be in this world without him, but compared to before I have some kind of life, I am living.  I am still here.  Not always 'alive', but I am finding my way.
Massimo sees a difference in me, he says.  I see a difference in me too, I say.
I will have dips.  I will have really horrible, hard, empty, soul breaking times.  I don't like it.  But, I don't choose it, so I will ride it until the wave passes and then begin again, because there is no other choice.
I was also told the other day that I should just not let myself feel so low about missing him.  My reply, I don't have a choice, like breathing, this is my life now.

What has changed though since he left me and left me in a million broken pieces of a train wreck on the floor.

I can now say that I am honoured to have met him and that he IS mine.  This in no way excuses or accepts his suffering and pain and horrendous journey as a given acceptance, never!...I replay every second of his life every second of every day like before, but sometimes the pain isn't as crippling as it once was.
THAT doesn't mean that 'Time is a healer'.  I can say this because (if you ask me) I am as broken inside today as the day he left me.  Truly.  I am.  BUT, my mask has super super glue now, even at times when I don't really feel like painting my real face with it and being seen in my day to day life...but unlike before, I do face each day...well, mostly...some days are still too hard, and will continue to be that way forever...I know this with certainty.

I know now that I never want another child.  This is different from before when I grieved for the child I could bring home and keep, never to give back.  I don't want that family unit now.  I just want me and Jim and Haydon.  I have my son, in a very different way, but that doesn't mean he is any less my child.

I am fierce now with passion for his memory.  I will distance myself from people who even after 2 years still don't get it.  I will tell people when they really have said something that is upsetting and insulting, that is also different.  I am more honest about my emotions, if asked, because Massimo IS helping me to do this.

It will be 2 years on Sunday since my son closed his eyes, and took his last breath while lying so tight and secure in my arms listening to my heartbeat, and Blackbird.
That will never be ok.  This will forever break me.

He isn't in a better place, because I bet noone would trade their child with mines.  It isn't better.

Life isn't better, but I am changed.

And that is ok.

I love you my sweet bubba, I just do xxxxxxxxxxxx