The Grief Dance

Hey Bubba,

The Grief Dance never stops.  One minute I am sliding about the dancefloor, turning over my ankle, stepping on toes, and the next I am moving gracefully, not needing to look before I take the next step.
Today has been a mix of both.
Mummy and Daddy have completely rearranged our bedroom and yours.  We have also changed the layout of the sitting room. This makes us feel more comfortable because we can no longer just imagine you being in these places, but it is also sad, because we need to think hard and imagine how it was set up for you living here.

This clumsy dance.  Taking a step forward inevitably means taking a step or more back.  Until the next step forward happens, we can never be sure which is which anymore.

I feel we are still shuffling around this dancefoor, avoiding the splinters and slippy bits but not always managing it. It's hard being on this dance floor.  Ideally we wouldn't be on this dancefloor at all, or we would be on a different one altogether, but we aren't and I don't think we will be for a very long time either.

It is fast approaching the 6th of April.  It will soon be the 13th after that.  Easter will come, and then it will go.  But each and every day from now until then is milestones, hurdles, reminders.

This is what I wrote in your 'book' not long after you left us here without you...

24^th February. Haydon was weighed. Approximate weight was 7lb 6oz. He was 17 inches long.

Haydon only managed 1 hour of c-pap. We had our family pic taken this day. Haydon had his 6^th blue-do since the Monday. His chest scan looked a bit better. It was arranged that the following Monday, Haydon would have his feeding tube advanced to help with the reflux and aspiration concerns. He was also to have a Cardio review, with a view to getting the heart surgery.

Two years ago tomorrow.  How can that be.

We love you.  We just do.

I miss you like an ocean would miss the sand.  Like the sunflowers would miss the rain.  Like the hilltops would miss the heather.

My heart has a gaping big hole that nothing will fill.  Ever.  Because anything else is something else.  But not you.
Tomorrow, the 24th February was meant to be your due date.  What if you had made it till then? xxxxxxxx

Close your eyes and feel me hug you with my heart my beautiful darling boy xxxxxxxxxx I count my days down till we are together xxxx <3