Well Haydon, it has been a wee while since I've written to you bubba, but that doesn't matter because I speak to you every single day anyway and you are with us in your own way so you know how we are, truly are, not just the face that we let everyone else see.
Mummy is tired.
I am tired of always trying to be happier, of being comical, of being reliable and needed and mostly I am tired that you have been away for so long now but yet we don't feel any better.
You will know this already, but only last night Mummy and Daddy were in bits, crying about you, wishing things could be different...feeling upset that some people just think we should be much better by now, or maybe just not speak your name because it is easier for them.
I am battling with this demon inside of me. I feel like most people just want me to stop talking about you, to act like you weren't here, that what happened to you didn't happen, that we are still the same people.
But, I can't.
You were here.
You did hurt.
You did break our hearts when you left.
You did leave a tidal wave effect throughout our family and noone is "better yet".
I am at work but that does not mean that I leave you behind..I take you everywhere I go, so does Dad, so does Granny B, so do so many people, even Aunty Elinor....
Aunty Elinor told me the other day that she feels you nearby when she goes to sing time with Alfie...she feels an extra weight on her legs and Alfie often picks up an extra musical instrument...we all know that this is you...and that makes me so happy baby boy because you loved singing with Mummy xxxxx Daddy cried when I told him, because he feels the same way...we are glad you are still doing all the things that you love xxxx
The Bin Bag Ball is happening soon to raise money in your name...already people have donated so so much when they hear your story, so kind...some people have really good hearts.
Mummy has found this week so hard bubba, because she feels that some people think she has a bad bone in her body, and you know better than anyone that I don't ...ever......I would give my last breath to help people, but sometimes I feel like my last breath wouldn't be enough. I don't beg people to support me, or to 'fix' me....I only expect a little bit of compassion.....but because it has been a little bit longer in time here, people are tired offering that to Mummy I think.....
I do care about other people, I do care how their lives have been, I do care that some of them have babies in heaven....but that does not mean that I will stop including you everywhere, everyday...all the time. I need this.
We can't apologise for how we are...not now, not ever, not forever more.....we will always miss you and want you home xxxxxxx
So does Daddy, even though a lot of people think it's ok to offload at him, or tell him how much they hurt about Haydon so they don't want to talk about him now.....you are his boy, he is your Daddy....he hurts so so much too..... xxx
The Bin Bag Ball will hopefully be a good night, lots of funny, happy, cheery things are planned so if it all goes well everyone there should have a good time.
Even Mummy and Daddy, although you know that the best we are is happy-sad......but that is all because of you....we will dress up and laugh for you xxxxxxxxxxxx
We love you baby boy, and we miss you xxxxxxxx
We just do xxxxxxxx Even when we are tired xxxxxxxx
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