Massimo.

Mummy was at Massimo for a chat yesterday.  Although you and I both know that it isn't just a chat..it is learning ways to cope with what happened to you, and giving Mummy ideas for coping with things.
It wasn't an easy session.  That's what they call the time Mummy talks with Massimo- a session.
Massimo is the Counsellor that Mummy talks to about you, and life since you....he deals with the thing Mummy has called 'Post Traumatic Stress Disorder'.

He sees right through Mummy and the mask she wears. Suppose it shouldn't be a surprise, he has worked closely with Mummy for nearly a year now.  Each time I see him though, it is like a 'safe place'...a place where I can speak about how I am, and not how I appear to be. That is always hard. Being honest.

Massimo knew that with the mention of Christmas Mummy had tears that couldn't be stopped.  He knew that the idea of Christmas meant another 'celebration' without you.  He knew that Mummy and Daddy couldn't celebrate a festive time again and you aren't here. Christmas is a time for families, and we should be buying you really special things...like the first toy motorbike we told you about....and getting you bigger boy things like a train track...but we can't.  All we can get you is flowers, and Christmas ornaments for your forever bed...and anything that will wear well in the outside.  this isn't fair. Massimo agreed that it isn't.

Mummy got really upset when she spoke about how she views other people now.  How most of them feel that Mummy should be a lot better now.  A lot more composed.  A lot stronger.
She isn't.

Massimo said to Mummy that she will probably never feel any different.

Mummy told Massimo that she has been told by the doctor to take less medication, so that when Christmas comes she can go back to the dose that she used to be on if need be, rather than increasing it altogether.
Mummy is worrying about the thought of your birthday, and Christmas, and having less medications.
Massimo said that the medicines just numbed feelings...and Mummy sobbed because sometimes this is what she needs.  Massimo doesn't want Mummy to increase again, because he says that Christmas will be horrible forever and will not ever get easier so it is best to learn to deal with it now, feeling everything.  Mummy is scared though.

It was a hard session.  It was a hard night.  It still is.

I don't want Christmas without you.  I don't want your birthday without you.  I just want you here.
That is all.  Just here.

Mummy loves you bubba with every singe bit of her heart and soul, and I miss you.

I just do.

Forever and always I will want you here.  Come and kiss Mummy and Hairy face in our dreams xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx <3