Capture Your Grief 2013 - Project Heal.
A subject that is taboo at most other times of the year, that causes an uncomfortable feeling and silence in most, is openly discussed by those who know this kind of loss. To encourage awareness, and an ability to talk freely about this devastating subject. All parents should be able to talk about their children. We are all still parents even if our child is missing from our arms.
I shall be posting daily (or as often as I can contribute emotionally), according to the subject heading for that particular day.
Thank you.
Here is a link to Carly Marie and the wonderful work she does for bereaved parents.
http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/
Capture Your Grief 2013 - Project Heal
Day 1 is Sunrise, I shall take this tomorrow morning and add the picture here.
Day 2. Identity: What is your child’s name? Why did you chose that name? What is the meaning of their name? If they were born, what were their birth details. What were their features? Who are they?
Only 2 of my children have been named, the other 2 haven't because I didn't carry them for long enough to know their gender...I will know once I am with them again, and I shall name them appropriately then.
My first named child is Euan James. He was lost at 20 weeks gestation approx. his first name was chosen because my best friend (who now lives in heaven too) was named John, Euan is a variation of this. James was chosen because that is the name of his father, and my grandfather. I had to part from Euan on the 17th December 2007.
My second named child is Haydon John James.
Haydon means 'fire'. A strong name for a strong child, and it was a perfect choice for him. His middle names were the names of his 2 grandfathers, my dad Jan, and James's Dad - Jim. he was born on Wednesday 21st December 2011 at 10.07pm. He left us on the 6th April 2012 at 7.46am.
Haydon was beautiful and charismatic, and captured the hearts of everyone he met. he didn't look anything like a premature baby, but he was, he was 10 weeks early but still had chubby rosy cheeks.
Haydon had been diagnosed with a condition called Downs Syndrome, and displayed the identifying creases on his palms and the gaps in his toes. He had light brown hair, very blue eyes, and the noisiest suckle noise from his pouty lips I'd ever heard in a baby.
They are our children, for always.
Haydon and Mummy. 5 weeks old here.
Day 3. 3. Myths: Do you believe there are any myths about your grief?
Haydon was very aware. He knew suffering and pain. My argument would be that it's worse he was so young as he would never have understood or had the emotional maturity to understand why he was so sore and not being held enough. But, no child should suffer. At any age.
We loved our son from the second we knew him..parents don't love their children more as they age and mature...just as you wouldn't love your younger children less if you had more than one child.
Day 4. Legacy.
My son's legacy is his name. Haydon Kennan. His name now and long term shall bring comfort to so many families experiencing this same long term crippling loss. His name steers his charity fund, his name steers fundraising, to provide hand and foot casts for others like he steered for us while he was still living with us.
Day 5. Memory.
I replay so many awful, painful, sore, suffering memories of my son daily.
But the one positive that I try and hold onto, is his cry, at birth, 10 weeks early, just like we'd asked him to do to stop us from worrying. He did this for us. Haydon announced his arrival, and we cried with him <3
Day 6. Ritual.
Do you have any rituals to help get you through the day? Maybe it is a daily affirmation or prayer. It could be that you light a candle or recite a mantra etc. Do you do anything meaningful on special dates for your baby?
Every day I wake in the morning by saying good morning to my boy. Acknowledging another day without him seems gentler if I do this first.
Before lights out at bed time, I do the same, as does his Daddy.
We were given a very special gift of a Molly Bear that is the same weight as Haydon was when he left us. This bear has laid in bed beside us, and is held tight on really hard days/nights. Not only by me but also by his Daddy. Most mornings when we wake, one or both of us is holding onto this 'bubba bear'. What at first appeared ridiculous and childish, is now one of our biggest sources of comfort, and has never left our bed since the day it arrived, nor has it ever ended up on the floor during the night, it is protected and precious even in our sleep. I personally sleep much better that I had been, now I have my Bubba bear beside me to hold.
On anniversaries eg birthday or angel day, we start the day by lighting a special candle. I write to him on his blog. Daddy says he sends him wishes, a conversation that only he and Haydon can hear. We also balloon release, and let go lanterns. Sending them to heaven where he can catch them in his superhero hands. I also create a special gift for Haydon's forever bed, a little something extra so he knows how much we love and miss him.
Day 7. How are we now?
Day 8. Colours. What colour/s remind me of my child.
Easy. There are 3.
Haydon is and always will be the bravest. .strongest...most courageous. ..and tolerant person we will ever know. He was brave enough to fly away...he faced that fear most adults have. ....but not me...not anymore. Because of him.
Our miniature superhero.
Red. Yellow. Blue.
Day 9. Music.
There is one piece of music that we associate completely with our son.
We struggle to listen to it. But I'll attach the lyrics. This played to Haydon in my belly and as he flew away nearly 16 weeks later. This song was also played at his funeral.
Alter bridge - blackbird.
Day 10. Beliefs.
Everyone's beliefs are different, but Jim and I fortunately share the same one. Our son is now an Angel. Like being in a different room. He can see us, even though we can't see him, but we can sense him around.
This belief was cemented for us when Haydon left us for heaven, and we returned home without him.
As he was leaving we pleaded with him to let us know that he was safe in heaven and that he had been placed in the care of my granny and granda. I needed this reassurance. My other babies are being cared for by my best friend John in heaven because we had asked that for them when they left, but we knew Haydon would need extra special care because of how extra special he was, and the needs he had. He needed to be with my granny and granda, not only because I love and miss them with all my heart, but also because they would have fully understood his condition because they already have a grandson with Downs Syndrome here on earth.
We arrived home and were seeing the undertaker out of our house when we noticed that our child safe clock had stopped in the living room. This clock was bought while I was pregnant with Haydon and we had spoken about how this clock needed to be child proof, cos we just knew he was going to be a wee monkey. This clock in a sense was his really.
The clock had stopped at 7.46am. The exact time of Haydon's passing. The battery was still active because we tested it, but the clock itself had stopped.
We believe that this is a sign from my grandparents, and Haydon, that he arrived there safely.
We still believe this, and sense him near us sometimes. At times we hear him suckle his tongue beside us in the bedroom. Other times we smell his own little scent. I have even woken up feeling the weight of him lying on my chest like he used to do. We believe he visits us still. We need to believe this. This brings us much needed comfort.
Day 11. Triggers.
Day 12. Articles.
There are several articles that I read and sometimes re-read depending on how I am feeling. Today though, these are the ones that I am remembering, and I 'get' it. Completely.
Day 13. Books.
Day 14. Our Family.
Haydon is still with us in everything we do, everywhere we go, and every plan we make. This will never change, he is only in another room <3
Day 15. Wave of Light.
Light a candle/candles in remembrance for your children who couldn't stay.
A continuous wave of light throughout the world on this date, that marks and remembers babies who had to leave through pregnancy, birth, neonatal or infancy xxxx <3
For Haydon, Euan and the two babies we couldn't meet. We love you all and did since we knew about you all. Bubba, you took our hearts with you and that doesn't get any easier xxxxxx we love you. ..we just do xxxx
apologies for the rude interuption.....been in Spain for the bike racing.......
I have met so many people in life who just can't handle us saying 'his' name......his name is Haydon John James Kennan
We will never stop saying his name,.........no matter how uncomfortable it makes others feel..........he will be our son forever........ we would rather you be uncomfortable at us saying it, than us, for not speaking his name.
Day 26. Community.
Day 27. Signs.
Day 28. Special Place.
Day 29. Healing.
Day 30. Growth.
We would hope that a year,6 months and 4 weeks after being so cruelly parted from our son we could give some inspirational words about how Haydon leaving has helped us to grow as people. But we need to be honest otherwise this project is pointless.....isn't it.
We are still disillusioned by this world, we still feel anger and resentment and the idea that any 'god' would allow our son to suffer as much as he did, only to leave in the end.
We now have a much different circle of friends because so many people could not try and understand how this life is, how exhausting and soul destroying it is.
We are still traumatised when in the company of young babies, hearing them cry, seeing loving parents adoring their children....it all just comes rushing back.
So no....not yet....we can't say we have grown any.
I chose this picture to use as I feel it demonstrates how we are.
Feeling lonely, feeling isolated, feeling like we are surrounded by grey and shadows, in a world where everyone else can see in full colour.....the storm follows us around, it's never far off.....we can't predict when or if this will change....losing branches as we continue on this journey without him....waiting for that day......not any new growth as yet......
Not what anyone wants to read, but it is the truth.
Day 31.
Sunset.
Instead of a sunset, I have decided to include a picture of my curtains, drawn, feeling calmer in the darkness...until tomorrow when we open them and face yet another new day...
BEAUTFUL PROJECT, Aunty Kirsty xxx
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