A Haydon shaped hole, inside my heart, many people have heard me describe your loss as this. This will be on display beside the other art pieces from 'The Midnight Orange'...that artist, she just 'gets it'.
On Saturday night after your cousins had gone to bed, Mummy and Daddy were sitting chatting about you, as we do often, How you should have been here, having fun with your cousins, how your room fits the airbed for them, but still has plenty of room for your cot...this is a cruel world we live in where not much makes sense.
Daddy started talking a lot more about you, and some of the things he was saying really surprised Mummy. Not surprise me in a confused way, just really took my breath away with his words, because Daddy really does feel just the same as Mummy, even although he hides it better from the world most times.
He was talking about being at work during the week and he had bumped into religious people who were knocking on doors on his Postal Duty. They were waiting at the same door as him, and they all got chatting. The ladies who were very religious, (Daddy isn't sure what their religion was) tried to give Daddy a booklet to read. The booklet had a picture of a baby on it, and the whole book (explained by the ladies) was about life cycles, our beginnings, our journey through life, and then the end, when our life is complete and our purpose completed. God is always there, guiding, protecting, steering us down the right path.
Daddy told Mummy that he found this really hard to listen to, and he was surprised by how annoyed he was getting during the conversation.
He said that he made a polite excuse and left, but was walking down the road thinking about what they were saying, and asking himself
"where was our God?"
I asked him what he meant because we all have our very own belief systems, and Daddy never talks about things like this. He went on to explain. Where was our God when you were so poorly? Where was he when we were begging for you to stop hurting? When we were asking for you to stay? Where was our God when you were thrown into the world so early and forced to hurt from the minute you were born? Where is our God when we are now living our life with a gap that can never be filled, yet there is so much evil in the world that just keeps on happening?
Everything Daddy said took Mummy by surprise, because he never speaks about anything like this.
This then prompted a conversation about your suffering and care, or lack of it. Daddy said to Mummy he was ready to ask questions, to find out what could have been done differently, or what could have stopped you suffering quite as much.
Mummy agreed with him. It is time. We need as many answers now as we can get.
We talked a lot about this, about how nothing in the world can ever change the outcome for you or for us, but with the answers to our questions, prompting them to look into your care...it may just make a difference to another family living a very similar nightmare.
We are doing this now for your memory, we need to. We need to know that enough was done, or get answers for all the horrible things and mistakes that were made...and then excused. At a time when we were too vulnerable to challenge too much, even though we did question things, a lot.
Mummy was at SANDS today and spoke about all of this with Dorothy. They are helping me and directing me onto the right route. We now have the appropriate forms, and we are pursuing this. We aren't stopping.
Daddy filled out the form tonight to release your medical notes to us, he wanted to do it, it is his job he says.
Once we have them, the next step will become clearer...we have a couple of choices.
Massive, but already we feel like this may help our healing. We need to ask our questions, and so far we have 6 pages of them...we haven't even finished compiling our list.
Give us strength from where you are Bubba, and keep holding us up with your miniature superhero arms....this could become quite a bumpy ride.
On a different note, all the whispers you gave to Mummy and Daddy about wanting your story in the SANDS book, well, your story is complete, written beautifully, really shows your strength and courage and determination. When Mummy read it she fought back tears at so many bits...your whole life in black and white, that's how it felt reading it...looking over your life, full colour would be too much for anyone to read, but the black and white version does you proud.
So may people want to keep your story, and are asking for a copy of the book. Look how precious you are to so many Haydon!!
Mummy is going to bed now because she has Gillian coming from SiMBA tomorrow, another BIG day. Mummy is making the final final final selection for your 'Gift' that will be slotted into the memory boxes. The launch of your charity inside the hospitals is going to happen very soon. Mummy and Daddy are so proud of you for making this happen, you are going to help a lot of sore hearts baby boy.
Daddy has gone to bed because he is working tomorrow, and Mummy is just going to tip toe up beside him. Come and visit us in our dreams Bubba.
We love you. We just do xxxxxxxxxxxxx Night night beautiful boy xxx
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