Where Has She Gone?

Hey Bubba, today has been a really hard day for Mummy, actually, this afternoon and tonight has been so so hard.
Since returning home from Dobbies after Mummy and Daddy had an end of the break cream scone, you have been everywhere.  I have cried everywhere.  I am still crying now.
I know deep in my heart that this is your way of telling me that you are with me, that you know how hard all of this is, that you will be holding me up with your miniature superhero arms tomorrow as I take one of the biggest steps yet.
Mummy isn't feeling very chatty at all tonight, she is finding it so hard to think of other stuff, or even other people.  I am drowning in the emotions of you, what should have been, what isn't, and what now is.

This was Mummy just before she found out she had you in her tummy.  Mummy came across this tonight when she was looking out her work badge, I broke down seeing this Haydon.  Last time I wore this badge I was still at work, you were in my tummy, you weren't in trouble, and neither was Mummy's health either.  I look so young and so free in this picture, I don't see this girl anymore.
I was 36 years old here, I was being asked for identification when buying things at the shops.
I am not this girl anymore.

I am now a woman, a proper woman who knows heartbreak, grief, and this woman faces a lifetime of it.  I don't have a sparkle in my eyes anymore.

This was the first thing that threw me today.

The second.  My flask.  How silly eh, but how not silly either.  The last time I used my flask I had mastered the art of fixing your bottle in the middle of the night.  When you woke up hungry, I had my flask there with the big cup lid and hot water to warm your milk, and your bottle with milk Mummy's body had made for you would be ready in minutes.  I will be taking this to work with me, it will hold my soup.  I cried big big sobs at this.  I know you wouldn't need to use my flask now the age you would be, but it was for you all the same.
When Daddy came into the kitchen to find Mummy crying with your flask in her hands he just held Mummy close, these things may seem small to others, but to US, they are huge things Haydon.

Then I decided to fix some sandwiches for work, and reached in to get a storage box and yep, you guessed it, it had a 'Room 5' written on the lid in permanent marker pen.  The tub we used to use at the Sick Kids in Edinburgh when we stayed there with you, and this held our fridge things.  Another 'YOU' thing today, you are everywhere bubba.

I even looked out my chill bag to keep my lunch in , and there it was, reminders of carrying it into the Neonatal unit.  We used the skull cool bag to keep Mummy's milk nice and cool when transporting it to the unit each morning.  That bag was with you every single day, just like we were.

I am trying my hardest to hold onto all of these signs, you are with me.
But my heart is so sore.  I should be returning back to work, and you should still be with me in a very different way.

I have my love for you inked all over the top half of my body and one of my thighs, I will have your flask, I will use your tub, I will use your chill bag.  I will take you along to work with me as much as I can.  Stay near me and hold me up my beautiful boy.

I won't take my old staff badge with me.

I am not her anymore.


I love you so so much, so much that you can break my heart with just a hint of a memory.  You are my son and I love you, I just do, and so does Dad xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx