Angel

I detest that word.

My son should be here.  He should be my son, in my arms, my beautiful boy, the apple of my eye, my heart, my reason, my everything.

Instead he is my angel. Although still my heart, my son, my beautiful boy and my everything.

'Angel' makes him sound so far away :-(

I have had a rough week, I have tried in the main part to be strong, and work focused and earn, but you know what~?.....I am still a grieving mum, I am a grieving mum who works.

I have described my life over the last few weeks as "similar to Worzel Gummage".  I have returned to work, I change my head before I leave my house.  This is not an exciting new chapter full of new opportunities and new challenges...this is another step away from my old life and a step nearer my new one.....I can't be excited about that.  All I can be, is focused when I am there....and to earn decent money.

Although I have survived on very little since my son had to leave me, I have managed...now though, the need for money is the driving force behind everything.

If I earn I can take away all the debt that my son left us.

If I earn I can take us on a short break to try and 'forget' for a little while.

If I earn I can create a distraction that takes more than a few hours, so I am forced not to think about HIM for a little while.

I have realised four weeks on in my new workplace, I speak about my son A LOT.  I will continue to do this.  I have set his photograph as my screen saver and desk top on my work PC... will continue to do this.

Past tense does not sit well with me though.  I am still struggling with that.

I see parents complaining about their kids in my day to day life.  I see bereaved parents hurting for the child they NEED to be able to try and fill some of the hole their lost child has left.  I see parents who are planning more.  I see future parents with yet another bump.

Where am I?  I have nothing else except my husband, my dogs and my job.  I have no other choices.

I try not to react to the above mentioned people.....but imagine how it feels being left with no choice, no path, no options....you just can't, can you.

Instead I will distract myself with work.  I will distract myself with charity work for my son.  I have nothing else because it has ALL been taken away from me.

Avoidance? definitely.  Happiness...definitely not.

I don't cry as much as I used to.  I don't show depair as much as I used to.  I don't show desperation and self destruction like I used to.

That doesn't mean I am better.  It only means I am crying more on the inside.

I am a bereaved Mum.  I know my life won't get much better.  Isn't that a sad fact.

I miss him.  I love him.  I would still go.  That is the truth.  

It just is.