I Just Will.

I have been thinking a lot over the past few days about where my head is at, where my heart is at, where I am taking myself.  The return to a work place after my son leaving, (I hate saying 'lost' because I know where he is), is really daunting, builds an anxiety within me.  Raises a lot of 'what if ' questions.

What if I am so changed I can't do the job well?
What if my own experiences impact on decisions I need to make?
What if I really am not strong enough anymore for the role I am filling?
What if this is just yet another change that won't be a good one in the end?

I replay all the advice I have been given from the specialists.
What is the worst thing that can happen?

I suppose the worst thing is feeling like I am not suited to the role, and in that eventuality I leave and find a more suitable post.  That is not the end of the world.
If my personal experiences impact on decisions negatively then I will need to review my career, but the loss of my son may impact positively on the children I will be working with, because I will only strive for the best for them all.

I have always done this, but I did this before without judgement or reservation, I knew my job.
Now I am entering back into a profession where so many do not value what they have.  I never thought for a second that I would be able to do this profession again, but here I am.

I am going to try and not over think, over panic, over stress about my job start.  I begin on Tuesday.
A massive milestone to cross then.
But for now, I am planning a mini break with my husband.  I am escaping for a few days on the motorbike to a beautiful little place north in Scotland.  I am going to try and give myself a break from thinking, before I start the next step on my journey.

My journey of creating a new life for myself, creating a path that I can walk on comfortably until I get my wish.

Some people have spoken to me about my return to work, and have assumed that my return is because I am stronger, better, well........I need a wage.  We all need a wage.  My heart has not healed any since the very second my son was taken from me.  My life has not all of a sudden turned a bright corner.  I do not feel complete anymore, I do not feel fulfilled anymore, but life as itself, takes away a lot of our choices.

These shoes aren't comfortable, but I have to wear them, there is no other choice.

I love him.  I just do.
I miss him.  I just do.

I am not who I was, nor will I ever be.  That just is.

But with blisters on my heels and my heart, I will keep taking one step in front of the other.  For him.

I just will.