Hi Bubba,
Mummy hasn't written to you for a wee while, not because she didn't want to - but because she didn't need to. She has been away with Aunty Bev, and at meetings for going back to work, and family stuff and all sorts, but each and every step you have been with me, and each and every day I have spoken aloud to you, or about you.
Today was a huge day. Mummy hasn't been great today since she came home from the work meeting, it has caused a huge surge of emotions that she hadn't really expected, although common sense should have predicted it really. Mummy has a date for returning to work. Not the same job that she did before, but it is very similar. It is a very new post, a pilot post actually, where a lot of the supports offered to older children will be done on an Early Intervention basis. Going into the homes of children and intervening early, to try and prevent so many kids going into residential care. Not many of the children that Mummy works with will actually be staying in the Unit that she will be mainly based at, unless there is a need for it. Mummy will be working a lot less hours than before, but she needs to start somewhere. It is still Child Protection work, cos that is all that Mummy is good at really, and mostly what she understands, so it will be similar to before, but not the same.
Mummy agreed a date with her new Manager for starting, and it is to be the 30th July, assuming that the Doctor is in agreement with this date. This will mean I am no longer in the same role, category or workplace from before, an end of a chapter, a new manager, saying goodbye to my old team, moving forward with you in my heart.
I have found this all so so hard today. Not only will there be so many changes in my work and team, but I will actually be at work again, and this is something that Mummy couldn't have even imagined a few months ago. Way back Mummy spoke of going to work in the future, but deep in her heart didn't think she would ever really be able to do that again, but here we are, I am ready to try. That has come as a huge shock for Mummy.
I remember a few months after you left I was adamant to my friend Susan that I would never ever heal enough to move forward. How could I? I had watched my son die, I had buried him, I had held him one last time as he closed his eyes and sighed on my chest. My world was so completely broken along with my heart. My heart is not healed any, that is a weird thing to try and explain. I am going back to work, but I am not 'Better', I have not 'came to terms' with everything, I am not in a 'happier' place, nor have I 'healed.. But what I have done is started to find real coping mechanisms, and found ways to keep you with me all the time, so close beside me. I still feel the tears flowing on the insides of my eyelids each second of every day, but they don't always show on the outside anymore. Crying isn't always visible to others, and that is making people believe that Mummy is all fine now.
I'm not though. I never will be. That is all I am beginning to accept, even though I don't like it. You have gone, that will never be ok, all I need to do now is find ways to pass the time and keep a decent quality of life for Mummy and Daddy until we can be with you again. That is what is lifting me to my feet, otherwise I would have a life with no hope, and no fulfilment at all, and although that is what I imagined my life would be like without you, I am learning that I can have some form of happiness mixed in with the sadness.
This feels like one of the biggest milestones that I am reaching, because 1 year and 8 months ago I left work with a huge belly, you were inside, and I had a long term dream of Parenthood with my rainbow baby, my dream come true, my everything. Then you were born so early and the dream and plans all fell apart. Was that really 1 year and 8 months ago? It doesn't feel that long since I have been at work, I have been so protected inside my Haydon bubble, my little world that I couldn't ever imagine stepping out of. You have been gone now 14 months.....Mummy and Daddy are walking a path that we never expected in a million years that we would be walking on. We still have our son though, we still have you, just not in the way that we thought we would have xxxx We love you so much still, and miss you with every breath. We just do xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Mummy had all of your cousins staying over at the weekend and that was good fun. We went shopping for goldfish that they could keep here in Mummy's house as a pet for when they come over. They all had a lovely time staying over, and choosing their Pet. They all slept in your bedroom, and they read your books that were on your bookshelf waiting for you, and they cuddled lots of your teddies. It was so so nice for Mummy and Daddy to have them all here, talking about you, acknowledging that you were here and still are here in your own way, they spoke so openly and honestly, and without awkwardness, it was so so refreshing Haydon. They spoke so much about you, unprompted, and it made Mummy and Daddy so happy to hear your name being spoken so often. What a pity adults can't manage that easily, because it makes such a difference to Mummy and Daddy to have you spoken about.
We did feel a pang in our hearts though seeing all your cousins lying on the airbed, and there was a perfect little gap where you should have been. You are always missing, from everything and that doesn't ever get easier.
Anyway, I am going to go just now, because Daddy is home from fixing one of the motorbikes and he wants Mummy to help him in the garden with something.
Mummy and Daddy have swapped sides in bed because Daddy kept sleeping in and he needed my alarm clock, but I know you noticed this cos I felt you lying on my chest when I woke up the other morning, just like you used to do. Thank you for hearing my prayer xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I miss you my little bundle of mischief, more than anyone in the world will ever know, more than even Daddy will ever know cos you know my heart better than anyone. You heard it beating on the inside xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx <3
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