First 'Baby' Step in the P.T.S.D. Plan.

Well Bubba, today has been a hard day.

I had set myself up for my first step, and it didn't happen.

I went to the doctors for my Post Trauma Check Up, and missed Zumba.

I heard news indirectly.

I feel like running away.  I want to just pack up and go, I want to just put all my emotions, and fears and past hurts and losses and put them all in a suitcase and go.  The only thing stopping me is having your forever place to look after, you are the only thing keeping me here, in this village, in this life.

I hate this rollercoaster.  So many emotions in one day.  Prepare for challenges and then they don't happen, and then hear news that brings back so many memories, and a visit to the doctors to review how broken Mummy's heart is.
Nooone would choose this life Haydon.

I have had a pretty decent week to be honest, compared to usual.  Mummy has made steps to go back to work.  She has managed to secure a pretty decent (although hard) job in Young Person's Units.   The job is still Child Protection work but it is older children, and I am less fearful of that.  The hours are less than Mummy needs but she has to start somewhere, and they have promised some overtime.  Mummy just needs personnel to secure it officially and then she can get started helping older children who don't live with their parents.
Once Mummy is back from her trip away with Aunty Bev, she will be pushing for a return to work as soon as she can.

I could have done with a good workout at Zumba, I needed those endorphins tonight, to help sooth Mummy's sore heart.

The doctor was lovely, she is feeling more like a friend now than a Doctor.  She even tells me things about her own life now, that is how much time Mummy spends talking to her.  Thank goodness for her.

I am weary tonight.  I have had a really hard day, and although I wish everyone the best of health and happiness.......sometimes certain pieces of news can knock me off my feet. Sometimes broken plans can knock me off my feet. What may seem a small thing to others is a massive thing for Mummy and takes a whole lot of courage not only to plan it, but to follow it through.  I will need to re-look at my plan.

 I remember you, all of you, every single piece of you, my boy.  It hurts.

Come and visit Mummy in her dreams tonight.  She really needs a Bubba slobber, and only you can fill that role xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I love you, I just do.  Forever. <3