I created this picture comparison as a promotion tool for the movie 'Return to Zero'. A movie that is being made about the loss of child, the long term impact, the effect and tidal wave on families. This film is important to me, not only because I am child lost, but also because I know so many people now who are living without their child, or children, and this topic just isn't spoken about openly.
Most people feel comfortable enough to talk about the grief of losing a parent, or a grandparent, or a sibling, or even a friend. But lose a child, and very few people feel comfortable with this, and for so many, it seems that child loss should be something you heal from, so long as it's not your child that is taken.
I really hope this film makes an impact. This photo comparison made an impact, but this to me is only a photograph, this is my life, this is my reality. For so many people though, seeing the comparison, makes child loss more real. I could have compared photographs of me before and now, but that doesn't show my empty arms. Like so many of those poor parents I know.
It has been a busy week. More discussions about work. I will be visiting the Young Person's Unit and building relationships with the staff and children more often. I will be gradually slotting myself into a role, that I hope Personnel agree too. I feel this is the best move for me, my family feels this too. My present boss is supporting this change, as is the Unit Manager of the Y.P.U. So I only need one more person (Personnel) to agree to this job match, and then I'll be given a start date.
Massive changes. More steps away from the person I was, and another step forward to the 'new' me.
I have also met with Massimo twice in the last couple of weeks. He has set me so many challenges, difficult challenges. Some challenges that I feel ready for, others that I know I will struggle with, even if not at that moment, it will be later once I've returned home. My emotions are all tied up in creating my new life at the moment, I feel I have very little left to support most other people (minus a couple who I would give everything for). Planning a new life, and surging forward when you don't know what you are facing, how things will pan out, is exhausting, it is emotionally draining, but no more shattering than my life as it is daily anyway...and I know my boy will find a way of leading me forward.
My Uncle visited yesterday and spoke about my natural father, I lost my temper.
He spoke about relatives who 'care'...really, where are they? I lost my temper again.
The conversation steered to my life as it is now, how I am no longer who I used to be. I am more ruthless about friendships and relationships. I am more selfish about self preservation, because every day I need to try and survive this, and that doesn't leave much room for pettiness and small issues.
Am I surviving? I discussed this with him. I get up, I go out, I make plans, I participate in interests...but the reality, I am still just passing time until I am with Haydon again. I still have no real depth or sparkle, or drive. I still wake up each morning and question why I am not allowed my son? Why he wasn't allowed to stay? What is there now for me?
But, I am now surging forward. I am now creating 'distractions' in my life that will help me pass the time until 'my time' arrives. That day when I fly.
What an existence.
I saw a question on a grief forum today that made me think.....Is there anything I would have did differently after my son died?
My answer. I should have went with him at the time he left.
So sad, so tragic, not what people want to hear. But, so true.
So many parents must have had the same answer, because the post has now gone.
Massimo wants me to surge forward, stop using avoidance, build up experiences so that I become more used to handling those situation, I develop coping strategies. But even he says that my grief for Haydon won't lessen, those experiences will never ever stop hurting, all I can do is manage them with a bit more confidence.
I wonder what is the point. I really do.
Anyway. I end with saying I am thankful for those people in my life who care, deeply care, who reach out and try to help, who reach out and help me to create happier distractions, I also am thankful for those people who do speak my son's name, because I can't live the rest of my time here without that.
Maybe one day there will be a sparkle, maybe one day I will feel totally fulfilled once again. But I doubt it.
Will I die from a broken heart? I said that months ago, I haven't healed any.....
So until then I will pass more time, I will try my hardest to be happy, I will smile when I can, I will laugh when I can, I will grab experiences when I can...just don't look closely at my eyes, because there is a depth to them now that wasn't ever there before.
Massive hugs to my bubba in heaven, catch my kiss Haydon. I miss you, some day I will fly too bubba xxxxxxxxxxxx I just will.
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