The Grief Dance.

Two steps forward, One step back.  That's how this dance goes.  Sometimes it feels like two steps back, but that all depends on the beat of the music, and the lyrics of the song.

I have been reading more of other's experiences of Child Loss tonight.
I can't say that I'm obsessive with it, like I was when Haydon first left, but it certainly does bring me a lot of comfort knowing that I am not the only Mummy in the world feeling as bad as this, I am not the only Mummy in the world who would change places in a heart beat with their child.  It does make me sad however, that more people know this pain.
Sadly, this rollercoaster of emotions is 'normal' for bereaved parents, and I am learning that it is mainly the child lost who understand this.
I still can't accept though that you need to be a child lost parent to know the crushing weight of this grief, and the aftermath of devastation.  Even before the loss of my pregnancies, and Haydon, I would always try and empathise.  I know I did.

I have been through an emotional wringer this weekend past, and I am now thankfully feeling a bit lighter, but I am also lighter in my 'friend' network.  Again.
I have spent a lot of time going over the conversations that happened at the weekend with various people, I have spent many hours trying to work out if I over reacted to comments made, if I am turning into a bitter middle-aged woman, and if those people were right in what they said to me about my grief affecting other people's happiness.
Because I think a lot.....I never stop.
The conclusion I reached for each question was, no, no, and no.

I spoke with my husband about what happened, well, to be honest he couldn't not see the state of me when he arrived home after a pretty happysad trip away with his friends, to find me curled on the sofa hugging a tissue box and unable to form proper sentences because of the sobs............his reaction (to all the comments that had been made, etc etc etc.....).was anger.  His words were exactly the same as mine.  "Live this life, then pass judgement, be grateful you don't know this".
Those people who know my husband, will know that he is the kind of gentle soul who is rarely rattled unless something MAJOR is going on, he never gets into arguments with people (rarely even me), he prefers to be much more chilled out and quiet, only expressing opinions on music and motorbikes mainly...
So for him to react as he did when he saw/heard what had all been going on since he had been away, really drove home to me that NO, I wasn't over reacting, nor am I being heartless, nor am I intending to inflict my grief on anyone with intention...I can say this now calmly and clearly...because unfortunately for me and Jim, and quite a few other parents that I know who have had to part with their children - this is our reality, we can't ever have time off from it, nor escape from it, it is with us awake, and it is with us in our dreams - if we do manage to sleep that is.
The reaction to my last blog from bereaved parents threw me too.  Mainly because, I was venting, letting it all out.  Little did I realise when I wrote it that I would have the response that happened.  My inbox was pretty busy in my hotmail, and my google, and even on facebook.  So many bereaved parents understood what I was saying, felt a connection through those words.  Thank god for them, because sometimes I feel this grief is driving me mad, but yet, those parents came through at a time that I really needed them, really needed to hear that I wasn't alone with these feelings and reactions...that I was 'normal'.  I couldn't give up yet.

So, thank you each and every single one of you that responded, and also thank you to the people in my life who aren't child lost but also responded with phone calls and emails and messages, because they knew how this weekend had thrown me back quite a few paces, and were worried about the impact of it all.  Fearing the impact of it all.

Now that I've had a chance to think and reflect...in amongst all of the confrontational stuff this weekend (and I am NOT a confrontational person), were a few acknowledgements that I made to myself...

Jim was away for a whole weekend and I coped......just....but I did.
I am becoming more able to speak aloud how I feel.
If I don't agree with something someone says, I am becoming more able to say my thoughts, rather than letting them just be said.
I am still struggling without my son, but, I am still standing.

I never imagined that I would say that at any time since losing Haydon.  But, I am.  I am still standing. (crookedly, but much more upright than I was).

Today I passed more 'firsts'.
I attended the first funeral since my I attended my sons.  It was so so hard, and yes, I cried (who doesn't at funerals when you see people you love upset?)......but I went, I coped, I did think about Haydon a bit, but what pulled me through was knowing that my best friend needed me.  I managed to go alone, and I stayed for as long as I felt was right.  I am amazed that I managed...a few months ago I couldn't have did that.
I know it was because Bev and her family needed me there though, I know that's what got me through, she was my focus.
(I am disappointed that the laptop wouldn't work for the slideshow though, that has made me punish myself a fair bit tonight.)

So my parting words tonight, (see what I mean about this dance...it changes rhythm all the times, and sometimes the songs before and the ones coming after don't really link)....but I want to end with something else that was said to me at the weekend because I have also been thinking a lot about this.

I was told.........I was happy for you when you were having Haydon and looked forward to his updates, I would never have told you not to talk about your pregnancy with me.

My reflection.....I was happy too when pregnant with my son, albeit he never had a good scan, and multiple difficulties were being detected...but I was also terrified because I had already lost 3 children.
While I was pregnant with my son, I tried so hard to protect those around me who had lost, and were still hurting badly, and even I hadn't fully started to believe that my son would actually make it into this world...because of my previous experiences.  So yes, I was celebrating each day I had with him, but with sensitivity to others.
While my son was in hospital (most of his life isn't it really) the only connection I had with people was facebook, and text messages because I was sat at his hospital bed terrified to leave him, but knowing that my entire family and closest friends wanted to know how he was, so I shared that information, when I could.
At that time, I hadn't experienced what I have, I hadn't held my son in my arms and watched him leave this earth, tearing apart the hearts of his parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins.  So forgive me if seeing babies with tubes and wires (if premature or needing support), or if seeing perfect little bundles being cradled and nurtured by their parents or growing perfectly in tummies, upsets me now.
Because it throws me straight back to the hell I have only just started to move forward from.

And I will move forward from it somehow.  With or without certain people in my life.

I have already lost the most important person in the world to me.  So small but yet, so BIG in my life.
I can and will find a way to cope with anything now.

I love my boy.  I will love him forever, and I will miss him forever.  He will move forward with me, however long it takes me, and however many dances I need to go through, because I need him to be with me.

I just do.