I've had enough Haydon. I really have. I don't care who reads it. I am sure if anyone else was living this life they would understand, or at least they would 'get it.
I will not apologise for missing you. Nor will I apologise for pregnancy announcements upsetting me, or new baby news, or toddler milestones. Feck the lot of them. That's how I feel.
I refuse to accept that I am the one with the problem...what?? I lose my son, but yet I am expected to be 100% immersed in everyone else's life. I don't bloody think so. I am to celebrate every new birth, especially for families who have multiple children already, and I am to put all of my hurt and grief aside to make everyone else feel better.
No.
NO.
NO I won't.
Put yourself in my shoes....I bet after 5 minutes you would want to leave more than I do.
Enough. I've had it.
How can I explain to a parent who is caring for a child with additional needs that having their child is so much more preferable to not having them.....because I know how it is to be without them. I would saw off my limbs to still have my boy here...so if I get a message from someone saying they have such a difficult life...of course I will answer, try mine?
I would give my life for my son, even although I have been 1 year, 1 month, 1 weeks and 6 days without him...that doesn't mean I care for him any less.
If I can give anyone advice. Please don't tell a grieving parent how to react...because I can assure you....whatever answer you can provide....their's will always be the real one.
be fucking grateful, because you ARE lucky.
so many have been upset with me today because I don't have the same compassion...you know what......I don't care...live my life.
Someone told me I am spoiling other's happiness with my grief...well, you know what, how dare you. Be glad you don't know this.... I hope you never do...because if it ever does happen you will know then...truly know.
Tragedy doesn't care who it chooses.
Enough. I have had enough.
Enough.
I am a Mummy to the most beautiful little boy who ever lived. He was courageous and he was strong, but he was the love of my life and he is missed every day. This blog is my grief outlet. I can't and won't make apologies if any blogs upset others because this journey is real. Living without your child is the hardest thing in the world to do. It NEVER gets easier.
Wrote a similar post myself today. Though it sounds like your day is far worse than mine.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you feel so attacked, it's not what you need. People don't get it and they can't get it. It's like we're part of our own species now.
Please, please just take care of yourself xxxx
I know exactly how you feel. I totally feel like people, in my mind, are separated by people who have lost children, and people who haven't. Others just don't get it. And it's ok that they don't get it - we wouldn't want them to, like you said - but that doesn't give them an excuse to treat you/us badly. When I vent about things said or situations, sometimes I am met with a response like "Well, they probably didn't mean it that way...". It doesn't matter. You are totally justified in how you feel. It doesn't matter what their intension is or if they understand or not. You are allowed to feel however you want to feel about it. Sometimes easier said than done.
ReplyDeleteI am sending you hugs! Try to keep the positive, supportive people in your life - and let go of the hurtful, heartless ones if you can. It's hard, but you deserve better than that.
thank you xx lots of love to both you mamma's too xxx I sometimes feel I am going mad....but I feel how I feel.
ReplyDeleteA life with my son who did have multiple disabilities, would have been preferable to my life as it is now without him. I refuse to apologise for missing my son so badly ...and yes.....this is a club that noone wants to join, and then when we need to, we can't ever leave it xxxxx I am so thankfull I have other people in my life who do understand xxxxxxx