I am still a Mother and I will be a Mother forever.

Life as a bereaved parent is an exhausting one, a frustrating one, an overlooked one, and a destructive one.
But one year and one month since losing my son has taught me that I will overcome anything now, my love for my son will carry me forward, and I will carry him forward with me, in the face of all new challenges.

Grief for my son has altered so many things in my life as I knew it.  I will be starting an entirely new job.  I have a very different circle of friends.  I no longer participate in the same interests to the same extent as before.
I am not the same person that I once was, but I am still standing, albeit with a wonky stance sometimes.  I do know that as time passes, I will become more upright.

The loss of my beautiful 16 week old son will never be justified, nor all my 'why' questions be answered.
But I am learning that one of the biggest supports in my life is the child lost community.
They understand when no-one else does, they don't judge my grief like anyone else does, they don't expect me to 'heal' quickly, because they aren't either.

The journey with my son brought further changes for myself and my husband.  After 4 losses in total, 3 being miscarriages, we can no longer try for more children.  We can no longer bring a child that is a creation of him and I into our lives, although I am aware there are other options available.  I now walk around with a Haydon shaped hole in my heart.  I am not even sure I would want to fill that 'gap' anymore, because that space is his.

I have recently reached a realisation in this journey called grief.  I am a Mother, I am still a mother to my son, and like the lioness protecting her cub, I am protecting his memory.
Instead of buying him the best of toys, clothes, and choosing the right school, I am creating the most beautiful 'Forever Space' for him at the Cemetery.  I am remembering him on his anniversaries.  I am including him with beautiful candles at family events.  I proudly display his photographs in my home. I include him as much as possible in my day to day existence, because I need to hear his name.  Haydon John James.

I still have my son, in my heart, in my mind, and he is still very much in our family.

He is still a Grandson, He is still a Nephew, He is still a Cousin, and he will be forever.
From the moment we knew about him in my belly, he became a huge part of our family, and that will never change.

I am still a Mother, and I will be a Mother forever.  Even if my parenting role is very different now.

I am Still Standing, and I will keep Standing, because Haydon needs me to do this.