Hey Bubba,
Soul Food.
That is exactly what Zumba is for Mummy Haydon. Before you were even here, Mummy used to go to Zumba all the time. Everyone used to joke that Mummy was a Zumba addict, and laugh when Mummy put her Zumba time before anything else. Sometimes Mummy would go out for meals, or join family celebrations straight from Zumba because she just couldn't miss her classes.
When you left, I thought that love for Zumba had left too, along with every other ounce of passion for anything else. But over the last month or so, Mummy has been going to the class in Penicuik. It has taken a lot of courage some days, there have been a couple of times that Mummy couldn't cope with it, but this is where she started. At a class where noone really knew her. Mummy's friend Susan, who you met at the neonatal unit, well, she is the instructor and she has helped Mummy so much by picking her up and taking her and then dropping her off again. It has helped having Susan there, because she knows that sometimes everything is still too much Haydon.
But Friday, Mummy really surprised herself. She said to Daddy that she was missing Zumba, but was a bit frightened going because it was at the class in Mayfield, and Mummy hadn't been there since she was pregnant with you. It was a class that Mummy used to go to a lot, but not all the time, it was ok. Mummy walked in like she had never been away, and there was a lady there who recognised Mummy and said she was sorry about you. Mummy said thank you, and asked if she could speak about you another time because going to Zumba is about the only time Mummy gets a break from her grief and thoughts of you. The lady understood and it went well. Mummy knows she can go there again, it was ok.
But tonight, was a massive step Haydon. When Mummy started going to Zumba at the beginning a few years ago she got chatty with a lovely group of ladies. They were all happy for Mummy when she told them she had got married in secret, and some of them even gave cards. See what I mean, lovely ladies. Well, Mummy hasn't been to the Zumba class in Newtongrange since she was expecting you.
After losing our other babies, Mummy and Daddy talked about not taking any risks with you, so even though Mummy loved Zumba she stopped going and wrapped up her tummy with you inside it, with cotton wool.
Tonight Mummy wanted to go to Zumba. She just felt she needed it. So Mummy got ready and set off. on the bus Mummy was shaking a little bit. Who would remember her? would she just be 'that girl who's son died?', or would she be 'Helz, the zumba addict who used to go'......as Mummy walked towards the hall she felt her eyes fill up with tears and she started shaking a bit more. I stood on the outside step Haydon, and heard Susan chatting inside. I took a big breath and walked in. It was so hard, I don't know why it was this hard, but it was. Anyways, Mummy had tears waiting but she didn't cry. She went to her 'usual' spot in the hall where she used to always go, and it felt ok. None of the usual ladies who Mummy used to go with were there, that probably helped, but I did miss them there.
Then the music started. Mummy got lost in her dancing, because thats what happens when Mummy is at Zumba, she throws herself into the music and jiggles about a lot. It was fun. I can't wait for my class tomorrow again.
So now I am sitting here thinking of how different I am, how different you have made me.
You left and you took most of me with you, but now you can see that I need some of it back, that I am becoming more ready for 'me' again, and you are slowly giving me my favourite parts back.
Thank you for my Zumba, because that really is good for me Haydon.
I miss you. Every second of every day I miss you. Every time I see a photo of you it tugs my heart, but slowly, very slowly, sometimes I will smile. Smile at the memory of my beautiful boy in my arms with his special grin that he had just for his Mummy, and for noone else, not even Daddy.
I'm closing my eyes and giving you a massive hug with my heart Haydon, catch it bubba xxxxxxx
I love you, I just do xxxxxxxxx
No comments:
Post a Comment