I Year, 1 Month and 1 Day ago was when this mantra started being repeated over and over to me. I would either scream inwardly that it couldn't possibly be true...other times I would scream at the person who uttered it to me, or bark in disgust at the mere suggestion that time would help and time would start to heal my broken heart and shattered soul.
I was stuck in this loop of grief, this loop of sorrow, this cycle of broken dreams and broken sleeps, and not able to contemplate a life without my son. Some thoughts remain the same,but without full realisation until last night, others are slowly changing.
I feel I need to say here, just for the benefit of those people who may read this and say..."I said this to her"....is that - along with the acknowledgement that time is beginning to help, also comes the knowledge that it will never become an acceptance that my son has left, I will never 'get over it', nor will I 'find some positives from this negative', nor will I declare that 'everything happens for a reason' and that I am "fortunate to have had my son for a short time, compared to others who can't have children at all". I would still have preferred that my son didn't need to have lived a horrific short story, a painful and excruciating process, to be left with no option but to leave in the end. For that I will never be grateful.
Some platitudes are still spoken , and I still cringe at them. Some 'meaningful words' will be given to make Jim and I feel better, but they don't. Time is teaching me though that most people feel they need to say something, and that something could be completely un-thought out, it could be a tip-of-the-tongue saying that you hear often...but sometimes a hug or a "I don't know what to say" or "I don't have the right words" is much more meaningful...and if I'm being honest...preferred.
Comparing the loss of a child, your creation, your mirror reflection, and your little bundle of hopes and dreams..and yes..your future......cannot be compared to a loss of any other kind. And I still intend no offence by saying that.
But 9 months of going to SANDS has reinforced that for me. This is a grief that changes parents beyond recognition, destroys your life as you know it, knew it and will ever have it again.
Anyway...I digress.
All this blog is to convey is that although I feel like I am still stuck in a loop, and although I know, undoubtedly that I am still deeply grieving for my sweet boy...I am in actual fact moving forward.
This came as a bit of a shock to me last night.
Last night we went along to a meeting for bereaved parents. We needed that comfort just now. A time of more change.
At the meeting were parents who have all lost a child, or children. Some from a few years ago, and some very very recently. All longer-term parents still feeling the same depth of loss as they did at the start, still going through change. But the lady who really had an impact on me lost her daughter only a matter of weeks ago.
I won't tell her story, because it isn't mine to tell. But all of the emotions, and the whirlwind, and the tornado of destruction, and fall into the deep dark pit is all new for her. She is struggling. She can't imagine her life without her daughter, she craves for death more than life.
For the first time in a whole year, I had words to try and help. I listened and acknowledged that her emotions were very like my own, or how mine had been, and I told her how I had managed to struggle on. I told her that she needs to take her own time, and own pace to grieve and heal. That she is entitled to feel how she does, she has lost her daughter, how else is she meant to feel. I spoke A LOT.
To the point where when I got home I repeatedly asked Jim, "Did I talk too much?".
I also cried on arrival at home. The shock that I had moved on in my grief enough to be able to try and support a newly bereaved Mummy, that I had answers that may help her, that I knew her pain and her suffering, and that I told her time would help.
I told her time would help!! and I meant it.
Time is not 'fixing me'. Time is not 'making everything better'. Time is not 'making me miss him less'. Time is not 'bringing back the old me'.
But, Time is helping me to be composed more often. Time is allowing me to talk about my son and not completely fall apart. Time is making the days where I'd cry from the moment I woke up, until the second I went to bed happen less. Time is allowing me to think about what I can cope with, learn about the new 'me', figure out what I will do now until I can be with him again.
Sometimes, somedays I still struggle with time though, and that is ok. 'Forever', especially, is still far too long. But like I have been doing - I will face it one day at a time. One moment at a time. One experience at a time. I am slowly finding my way. Even if I don't always feel that.
Last night has caused me to reflect on how I am now, compared to how I was. I felt compelled to write this down. I felt compelled to tell my boy that although I don't miss him less, I am finding ways to cope. Haydon will be proud of his Mummy...he will be so proud of me.
Your Mummy is still trying Haydon, and I will keep trying.
Mummy loves you..she just does...she will forever and always xxxxxxxxxx
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