Mummy had a meeting for work today Haydon. It happened in the union office, not at Personnel headquarters...that was where it was to happen. Mummy wasn't coping with the idea of a formal meeting in a 'new' place, so it was organised for here. In a place that I know, in a place that I used to be 'strong' as a Union rep. It helped.
I didn't know what to expect today, but the anxiety that Mummy feels is sometimes overwhelming, and hair brain now works through so many scenario's, so many possibilities...in a way that I never used to before.
It was ok. Mummy had Ros there (her friend form SANDS), her Union Rep, her boss, and her Personnel boss. I played over the mantra "what's the worst that can happen?"....and it was actually ok.. I did cry, a few times, when I was speaking about you, and speaking about how Mummy is some days, and even when she was talking about how she grieves for the person that she was, and how she might not be able to return to the job that she did. That is hard to admit. Really hard. However it is true, and I can't deny it.
I was honest with myself and everyone there. I still have an issue with babies. I still at some times have an issue with very small children. I WANT this to pass. But, will it? I WANT to be able to resume the life I had. But, will I manage it? I WANT to be at work, I don't want to be at home forever, and lose yet another part of my life. I WILL find a way.
I think you must have been whispering in people's ears again Haydon. I think you must have said to them that your Mummy has gone through enough, to be gentle, to understand that she is different, that she is not the same person. Because, I think they really did understand. I didn't have to explain how changed I was, although I did try at some points, because they seemed to know.
They stated that they didn't expect me to return to that post. They acknowledged how hard that would be now. They know that making the kind of decisions that I made before might not be an option. A realistic option.
For the first time ever, I told them that my sensible head is telling me to look at other options, but my heart struggles with letting my 'post' go. I liked my job. Yes, it was hard. It was heartbreaking at times. But I made a difference, or tried to.
I was so honest with them and said I hope that in time I become more able with babies, but I might not. I don't know.
They have other possibilities for me. I have skills that they don't want to lose, he said I was brilliant at what I did, and he believes I will be again. They still want me there. They have talked about other roles, and are going to do a job match...but I think in honesty, they may have found the right post already.
The Personnel Manager said I could consider working with older children. In residential units. I would be doing a similar role, but looking at it from the other side of the street. I wouldn't be making the same decisions for the children as I used to, but I would be supporting these children, being an influence in their lives, making their world a better place, supporting them with what they need. What they don't have.
I have spoken about this with Daddy, and Granny and Ros. I think this might be the way to go. Even though making a decision to leave early years social work would be so hard to do...I think this might be the best alternative. I don't want to work in an office, looking at a computer screen.....Peter also said this could be an option....but, I work best with people. I work best with children in need. Maybe I could do this role.
I have been crying since I came home. Not crying because I had a hard meeting but because I think you whispered in their ears. Daddy agrees with me.
The children they want me to support have no real home environment. I would be helping to create that. They would need me. They would be relying on me to be there, be consistent, be affectionate and supportive and care for them. I think I could do this.
I am crying though because maybe they would help to fill a gap in my heart. Maybe you whispered to them that this would be best for me too. Loving other children and caring for other children, and making their lives a little bit better.
Maybe I can do that. Maybe that would be best not just for them, but for me too.
A lot to think about. But, I am thinking, and I am thinking more deeply about this than I ever have in the last year.
What was the worst that could happen? It didn't happen, because the worst has already happened to me, I am learning that nothing else will ever be this bad again. It is a slow process.
I cried. But, I coped. I didn't apologise. It was ok.
Mummy loves you bubba, and she loves you so much that words aren't enough. Thank you for whispering in ears and working out not just what others need most, but maybe you are asking them for just what Mummy needs too.
You really are a magical little boy xxxxxxxx
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