swings, roundabouts, and more swings...

hey my gorgeous boy xxxxxx

Today is daddy's birthday, and I just know you will find a way to let him know that you are thinking of him too xxx He is still away with his friends, but he didn't want to go on the bike trip without you, so he put a superman sticker on our bike xxxx Mummy has just spoken to him on the phone and he's a little bit drunk, but he was talking about you, he said he has been telling you that he misses you, and when Mummy said she had asked for you to send him a slobber, he laughed.  He wants a slobber, so make sure he wakes up with a wet cheek bubba xxxx

Today has been so so hard.  The hardest day that Mummy has had for a few weeks to be honest.
I don't know if my heart has been made more sore because Daddy is away, or because Aunty Bev is missing her Dad now too...or if it solely because of the world and all the babies in it, reminding me of you....
I think personally it is the latter ......... but who knows, maybe a combination.

The last few days has brought new pregnancy announcements, scan pictures, pregnancy countdowns, new babies, newish babies with family members, babies who are similar in age to what you would be now....and even slightly premature babies with feeding tubes in, making Mummy cry because I remember all to clearly all of that happening to you from the minute you were born.

I am still committed to the idea of being stronger Haydon, I will find my way through this without you, somehow.  But I have decided that if people hurt Mummy, intentionally or even unintentionally...they are gone, capoot, they are out of my life....because as Mummy's very clever friend said earlier...we know what hurts most and we can only be strong if we protect ourselves from it.........especially when noone else seems to think much about other people when caught up in baby-ness.

This world is cruel and it is unfair...and if people need to know more about you to be able to understand why I hurt so much, then I will do that.  I will paint a story in pictures, showing your journey...and of course that only shows half of it because some weeks were far too bad to take pictures......

The last couple of days has also brought some other mummies closer into Mummy's life, and those Mummies lost their boys and girls too...it is so so sad...they all feel like Mummy does....I am glad I have them in my life because they make me feel less 'mad'.

Do you remember Caitlin and Flynn at the neonatal unit? They roomed in with us when we were leaving to come home.  Well Caitlin has helped Mummy a lot today, because she saw one of your photographs and she helped Mummy to remember really special times.  That doesn't happen often, because my memories are filled with Oyaa's and sore stuff xxx I am so glad she helped me remember a happier time.  I needed that today xxxxxx

Kevin, who visited you in hospital...i'm sure you remember him, because you were cheeky that day and kept pulling out your tubes....well he cycled a huge distance today for your fund, in your memory.
Mummy and Daddy are so proud of him, and so touched that he would go to that effort for you xxxxxxxxx
He has raised a huge amount of money, so lots more babies who need to leave will be able to leave a gift of hand and foot impressions for their family to cherish.  So so precious.  He is cycling again tomorrow..so make sure you look after him lots xxxxxx

Once you are finished helping Kevin.....make sure that you come home fast because Mummy will be lighting the very special Haydon candle for Daddy's birthday treats xxxxxxxxxxxx

I can't explain in words how much I miss you, and how much I love you, I just do.  But, you know anyway, because you listened to my heart beating on the inside xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Stay near my gorgeous boy xxxxxxxxxxxxxx Especially on days like this when the swings, roundabouts, and then more swings are really really hard xxxxxxxx