Where to start?

I'm not sure what to write today Haydon...I just know I need to write.

Where to start though? There has been so much happening.

Ok, I'll speak about Sunday.  The first day of the next year without you.  So so hard.  Mummy and Daddy struggled on this day, a lot.  The start of a new year...when we haven't even got our heads round the last one yet. One day at a time still.  It's all we can do.

SANDS.  Mummy gets so much support there, especially from Ros.  Mummy needs to keep going here.  There was some hard moments there last week, but they weren't intentional and Mummy knows this.  I have calmed down about this and know now that my reaction, and the reaction of others to what happened, was entirely 'normal' and acceptable.  Although I wish that I had stayed and seen the whole afternoon through.

Massimo.  This is a biggie.  Last week Massimo wanted Mummy to think about the relationships that have been lost and to make contact with these people and ask why they couldn't be around to support Mummy and Daddy when we lost you. I have spend a lot of time thinking this over.  Massimo felt that the answers may surprise me, or bring some comfort.
Mummy told Massimo that after giving this thought, I don't feel I can do what he asks, because no reason given would feel good enough, and that it wouldn't change anything now.
Massimo accepted that and said, if nothing else there is some clarity about who is needed in our lives now, and who our support system is.  He is right.
Yesterday was such a hard session too.  On the way to the session there was a wee boy who looked a bit like you and had the same outfit as you.  I tried not to see him, but I couldn't not see him.  Then a lady who hasn't made good choices in her life got on the bus, and she is pregnant again.  I was a mess before I even got into Massimo's room.
He has set challenges to Mummy to stay and let people see the true emotions.  To not hide, or run.  Because her feelings are acceptable after the loss of you.  I understand what he means, and Mummy does run, or avoids crying in public as much as she can, she doesn't like the attention it brings, and Mummy can't always cope with people cuddling her and giving her comfort, so she tries hard to be composed.  Massimo wants this to change. He wants Mummy to share how she is with everyone.  No more hiding it or protecting people from it.  This will be hard to do.
In amongst the appointment with him, Mummy spoke about her guilt feelings about work, and how she hasn't felt strong enough to return yet.  Massimo said that at the moment Mummy is experiencing the real grief emotions and that any work at the moment would be detrimental to her long term well being.  I have to stop feeling guilty, because the reaction i've had to losing you is acceptable.  I am playing over his words like a mantra.

I came home and was so tired after all the thinking and talking, but although he makes me think and talk, I do feel he is helping me to work a path through my new life.  The life without you here.  So as much as it is difficult.  I know it is needed.

I arrived home to an email.  I have to go for a meeting at personnel offices with my boss to make decisions about my employment future,  I haven't coped well with this at all.  I have completely fell apart since last night, and even this morning I am still not good.  Aunty Bev and Ros have helped Mummy since last night, they helped to calm her down and stop the panicks.  But, I fear this.  I really fear this.
I am waiting on the doctor calling me back this morning.  I need to discuss this with her.

To top off the whole bunch, last night Mummy was being asked by someone close to Daddy to consider how a parent who has lost a much older child would feel.  How that funeral was the worst funeral they have been to in their life.  How positives need to be found from this negative.  How "Haydon wasn't aware of what was happening to him".  How others are in much worse situations, there are worse situations.

I tried my hardest to say how I felt Haydon.  I tried my hardest to defend Mummy and Daddy's grief and how your age is immaterial, we have lost our son.  Yes, you did suffer, and you were aware, and you could predict what was going to happen to you next and you would fear it, panic about it, and couldn't be comforted.  You were so aware and I can't say that you weren't.
I am trying to find a positive in all of this.  Can they see a positive?
I even spoke of meeting Marion and how she hurts the same depth of loss after losing her adult son.
I gave up defending our grief and our depth of emotions and I hid last night.  I didn't face it.  I couldn't.

So there we are.  Today I feel rubbish.  I feel so low.  I am just going to have a pyjama day until I can face getting dressed to take the dogs out.

Mummy loves you and misses you so much Haydon.  Look at the state of Mummy now, and none of this is your fault xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx