The Firsts Are Done.....What Now?

I woke up this morning expecting to feel a weight had lifted.  I expected to feel some what 'brighter', 'Better' even.  But,  I feel exactly the same.
A year of milestones has passed.  I have survived.  I am still standing and I could not even begin to explain how I managed that.
I am now officially at the start of my 2nd year without my son.  Does this bring me comfort? No.
Am I feeling like I am more at peace with my grief? No.

I did a search this morning and came across some fascinating places online that describe grief, and the healing from a significant loss.  Since reading these pages, I am now realising that yes, I have gone through the first milestones and hurdles.....but now I face the second's and most writers state that the 2nd year is the worst.  How can it get any worse?
I expected better! I still hope for better!....maybe I am the only person expecting so much more from me and my emotions.


Quotes I found..borrowed...ok, I stole....


"Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself. Never forget that the death of child changes your life forever."
Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt


"Most people expect to feel better after that first year of bereavement, as if they've reached some sort of significant milestone in their grief journey.  Unfortunately, this is another of those myths about grief that simply does not hold true. If you assume that grief will ease as the second year begins, you may soon discover that in many ways it seems much harder now than it did before. You may find yourself feeling even worse ~ and that can seem very unsettling.

But think about it: For anyone grieving a significant loss, the first year is a time of adjusting and learning to survive. Then comes the second year and, if you're like many mourners, it is even harder than the first, as this is when you are grappling with the harsh reality that your loved one is physically gone forever, along with all the secondary losses that accompany this death, including greatly diminished social support, financial instability or loss of religious faith."
Grief Healing.

" How long will grief last? It is finished when it is finished.  The first few months may be particularly intense.  The first year is difficult;  especially the first Christmas, or the first birthday, or Anniversary, Mother's Day, " a year ago today"days, and many other times that remind us of our loss.  All are difficult days and we need to anticipate them, know they are normal and be compassionate with ourselves.  Some writer's describe the second year of grief as 'The Lonely Year', when the realization of life without the deceased is more of a reality.  Take your time.  As John Donne says, "he who has no time to mourn, has no time to mend".  Grief always takes longer than people expect."
Grief Journey.


So, with one foot in front of the other I must now face the next set of hurdles.  The next turn and dip of the rollercoaster.  The next Tornado that smashes it's way through my emotions and leaves me destroyed. The next fall into the pit and the exhausting climb to the top so I can see sunlight again.

A year on.  What does it mean to me?

I have survived miraculously...to me it is miraculous...
I am now a whole year without my son and that makes me more sad..not comforted...
I am still with my husband.....I pray we can keep up this fight together...
My family are still hurting so badly, but yet some other people in their lives are expecting more, even from them.....
A whole year and yet emotionally I am not any better....
A whole year of meeting other distraught parents and mostly seeking their company more than anyone else's...because they really understand...

A year on.  How can it possibly be a year?
Now I need to face another.
One second at a time.  Just like before.

xxxx