Mummy wishes she'd taken her camera on the walk with the doggies today Haydon. There was a beautiful little cluster of snowdrops growing right in the middle of mess and weeds. It made me think of you (although to be fair, I haven't stopped thinking about you today..at all)...you were a beautiful little snowdrop growing in the middle of mess and weeds. You didn't have a chance to let everyone see your beauty, yet you were there, growing, amazing, so so precious.
It is a year today since your funeral, but it will be a year by date tomorrow...Mummy had made so many plans today, and only managed some of it. Mummy had to cancel meeting Aunty Fiona. But she pushed herself to go to SANDS. The 'Forget Me Not' cake sale. Mummy arrived up town and met Granny B for a quick cup of tea because she was at hospital getting her ear checked for her operation (remember and look after Granny on that day). Mummy told Granny that she wasn't feeling very good but she was going to SANDS because it usually always helps. Not today. Mummy probably shouldn't have gone, and should possibly have just divided up the bakery with family, because she ended up crying in the middle of it all.
There were 2 new babies being passed about and coo'ed over, and every time they entered Mummy's vision, all she could think about was....I was that proud once....I was gushy about you like that when you were with me....I was so so happy then even through the stress.......then I started to think....My son was buried a year ago today....I saw my boy's coffin with his animal safari train being lowered into the ground a year ago today....I scattered rose petals with Daddy down the great big hole where your body is now to stay forever, a year ago today....I couldn't cope.
Mummy had to leave. Mummy knows other Mummies of Angels who felt the same and had to leave. It was too much for today. The safe place wasn't a safe place today. I probably shouldn't have gone.
Mummy has come home and taken the dogs out again. And now she has done enough for today, and she sits here with a drink of Vodka in her hand...I doubt I will be without Vodka tonight.
I toast you my beautiful son. I toast you for the life that was too short, too painful and too much of a challenge. I toast you for your courage, and your strength and your determination to make it. I toast you for your ability to make people feel so special and loved and how you wrapped them around your little finger.
Most of all I toast you for choosing me to be your Mummy, and him your Daddy.
I wish you could have stayed here longer, we all do.
A year ago today I saw you being lowered into the ground. A year ago yesterday I held your precious little perfect but broken body in my arms and said goodbye for the last time.
A year ago today mummy struggled to let you go. She still does.
You have left a huge hole in the lives of every one who loved you, you were that special, I hope you know that.
You have left broken hearts everywhere, particularly with those family members close enough to have learned your personality, seen your little querky self, and got cuddles from you....and all those who wished so much that they could trade themselves for you.
We all miss you. The people who knew Haydon, not just 'the baby'....well, they miss you the most...but mostly Mummy and Daddy do.
You were given and then you were taken away. My rainbow after the storm of loss before.
My heart is broken, and so is Daddy's. We will never again be in one piece without you. We don't know how to.
I toast you Haydon. My son, My hero. My heart. My soul.
Forever loved and forever missed. Life isn't fair, and it certainly wasn't fair to you.
We love you bubba, all of us....we just do <3
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
No comments:
Post a Comment