Strong and and Inspiration.

Dictionary definitions...

Strong;   Definition of Strong

• 
  

  accompanied or delivered by great physical, mechanical, etc., power or force: a strong handshake;With one strong blow the machine stamped out a fender.

  
  

  mentally powerful or vigorous: He may be old, but his mind is still strong.

  
  

  especially able, competent, or powerful in a specific field or respect: She's very strong in mathematics.He's weak at bat, but he's a strong fielder.

  of great moral power, firmness, or courage: strong under temptation. 
  Inspiration;    Definition of Inspiration

  noun

  • 1 [mass noun] the process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something, especially to do something creative:Helen had one of her flashes of inspirationthe Malvern Hills have provided inspiration for many artists
  •  the quality of being inspired:a rare moment of inspiration in an otherwise dull display
  •  [count noun] a person or thing that inspires:he is an inspiration to everyone
  •  divine influence, especially that supposed to have led to the writing of the Bible.

  • 2a sudden brilliant or timely idea:then I had an inspiration

  • 3 [mass noun] the drawing in of breath; inhalation:crackling sounds are heard in the stethoscope on inspiration
    
    
    I am probably at risk of upsetting or alienating even more people here....that is not my intention,,,I keep being told to be honest about my feelings...so here goes..... I am neither strong nor an inspiration.
    I live because I have no other choice.  I have been open and honest with anyone who spends time with me or asks me....but I know what my choice would be....if I had one.  I certainly wouldn't be here living this miserable life, crying for my son and all that he endured....wondering and wishing for something to happen in my life to ease my heart ache or bring me genuine feelings of fulfilment again......both of these things are unlikely to happen.
    I lost my son, my child, who grew in my belly and fed from my breast.  I cradled him in my arms, I fed him at 4am in the morning....I am still his mummy...but he isn't with me.  I spend most of my days crying about him, or feeling like I am going to cry about him, seeing triggers in my daily life that remind me that he isn't with me, wondering how I am going to get through this day..never mind the next, and the next after that.....
    i find myself feeling increasingly frustrated by those words...strong and inspiration.
    What is inspiring about losing your child? Am I choosing this life? I am not Martin Luther King or Nelson Mandela...I am not encouraging people to live like me and follow my example.....how many other people do you know who have lost their child? what is inspiring about that?If you are privileged enough to spend time in their company...because being a bereaved parent is a bloody hard full time job.....would you still describe them as strong? when you see how they react to someone pushing along a pram that is exactly like the one they had for their child? or when they sit there listening to others talk about their child's first words or new words...and they hold their composure until they are out of their company because all that has done is remind them that their child is missing and they won't get those moments? Is that strong?
    I tell you what I have decided is strong tonight.....as a couple Jim and I have decided that we are going to demand a meeting finally...this has take a year emotionally!!! to discuss the care our son got at The Shit Kids in Edinburgh...because we both have far too many questions without answers....That was a 'strong' decision....facing a fear, facing the people who we hold responsible for the life of our son....enduring a meeting with them and asking all our questions....that will take strength and courage.......
    this has been one of the hardest days of our lives.  For most of my blog audience you will only read these posts.  Some friends and family will have read my facebook posts or text messages and based their assumption of how we are on them.
    How am I really?
    I have just picked myself up form 3 hours of lying on my kitchen floor crying for my son, crying that he isn't with me, screaming with the pain inside because I only want to hold him and I can't....sobbing so much that even a whole kitchen roll hasn't been enough...begging my husband to let me die..trying to convince him through my despair that the only thing that will help me is to let me go too.......
    I am not proud that my grief for my son has reduced my once composed and intelligent self to someone like this... beyond recognition...I am not proud that my family worry that someday they will get a phone call saying I have done it...I have stopped begging for permission and I have just gone.....my thoughts are as they are....I can't help that.
    I am not insane.  I am not mentally unstable.  I am not a lunatic.  I am grieving for my son.  Up until I lost him I never ever understood this depth of loss or depression....
    Do you still think I am strong? Am I still an inspiration?
    Would you want to be like me?
    :-(