"new normal" resumes...

Today I have woken with a feeling of calm.  The storm has passed for now.
With most people I have an inability to verbalise how I am on a day to day basis..other than writing it down...
I really didn't mean to offend anyone yesterday... I truly didn't.  I sometimes just wish that certain words weren't used to describe this life and emotions of angel parents.
In all honesty...and this is heart felt...so many people reached out to us yesterday, and let us know in one way or another that they were thinking of us.  Some struggled for the right words to say, some struggled with the right thing to do........but Jim and I always appreciate people trying...always.  We always appreciate someone interested enough to ask "how are you?" or even just a "I don't have the words"...means so much to us.....so so much better than nearest and dearest not saying anything at all......and I mean that....silence has the biggest sting....words can be powerful...

Particularly on a massive anniversary date.
Which brings me back to yesterday.
Most days I plod on and have little dips that are visible to those around me.  Most days I may have a teensy sniffle when talking about my boy..but you rarely get to see the devastation because I try my hardest (I know I shouldn't but this is how I am) to cover it up.
Yesterday I tried so so hard to be calm around others, I saw the pain in their eyes and their tears, I saw them reliving their own memories with Haydon....the last thing I wanted to do was weigh people down with my grief...but as the day progressed I couldn't keep it all under control any longer...

The storm came.  I was swooped up with the Tornado and was being thrown around in it's grip.

Sadly.....the full impact of my emotions spilled out, and spilled over.
An anniversary date isn't a day where all of a sudden I feel worse, or out of the blue feel the grief for Haydon...
It is a day where I am reminded that he has gone from our lives and left a trail of emotional destruction everywhere....and none of this is is fault.....
I feel the same pit of despair and feel this low, inside, everyday.....the difference with an anniversary date is that I am unable to control it or manage it...and it all comes tumbling out...

Thank you to every single one of you who reached out yesterday.  Thank you  for remembering my boy...it means the world to me and Jim and  our family...he is never far from our thoughts..on any day.

A lovely angel mumma posted a comment on my post yesterday and what she said rang true with me...and I really appreciated her words....

"My son is an inspiration".  I agree.  He endured so much and barely complained.  He fought on with a courage, strength and determination that most adults would struggle to find.  In amongst all of his suffering, he smiled.  He had the most beautiful heart, and even I was humbled to be in his company.  My miniature superhero.

"Jim and I have moments of being strong".  yes, we are beginning to....challenging the hospital will be one of the biggest and first real moments of inner strength for us.  But we want answers.  For him.

The calm is returning.  The glue I use for my mask is now working again.  I am going to shower and fix my hair....I look like noone's wife.....yesterday I did nothing to my appearance....not a thing.......

thank you for trying...thank you for still being around...thank you for being patient with us as we ride this rollercoaster....

lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxx