Hey bubba. It is your Angel Anniversary. Your first whole year away from us. I have no words for everyone today, what can I say :-(.....other than 'thank you'.
Mummy never slept well last night at all, she pretty much stayed awake until it reached 7.46am on the clock, she shouted out that she loves you, and then she managed to sleep for a couple of hours.
The clock ticked its way towards your angel time and Mummy replayed all of those memories over, in sequence. At 1.30am she remembered the walk that her and Daddy took when you managed to settle for a sleep...how we had to discuss what we would do if your pain became unbearable again. They had managed to give you painkillers but they said it was just a temporary fix, to help you rest. We had to think over what we wanted to happen for you now.
We stood outside Yorkhill and we cried and hugged and wished that it was all a bad dream that would go away...but it didn't. We agreed that if you were inconsolable again, we wouldn't let you suffer anymore, we agreed that it wasn't for our needs, it was for yours. That was one of the hardest decisions we had to make that morning...and once we had made it, we knew there was no turning back.
Thinking over those last 2 days is like a whirlwind and a blur all at the same time. Mummy and Daddy didn't even leave you to change our clothes. We are wearing the same clothes in all of our last photographs of you, we hadn't even realised that ourselves. We also realised that we didn't eat on your last night with us, not properly, and drank only water. We were too scared to leave you. We knew deep in our hearts it was the very last night we would have you.
You did become even more poorly though, and that shouldn't have came as a shock to us...but it did.
We knew that the decision we had made earlier that morning would dictate what would happen now.
You couldn't even be comforted by Mummy, and Mummy was always the person who could soothe away your pains. but your weren't soothed at all, you just looked into my eyes and Daddy's eyes and begged us to help you. How could we not help you. We had no. The choice was taken away from us, it was your decision. You made your decision. Such a small brave little person, and you told us what to do.
Those will be some of the worst hours of our lives Haydon. Our journey with you on this earth was over, and you were starting a new journey as an angel. I begged Granny and Grandad to love you and look after you till I could be with you, and then we watched you go. You were so brave and tried so hard right till the end.
Our real suffering started then.
We did handprints and footprints with you, that we can't even look at now because of the memories they bring. We cut a little lock of your hair and placed it in a box.
We bathed you, you had already gone. So unlike any bath we had ever given you where you would scream the place down. We washed and trimmed your little finger nails, and brushed your really fine baby hair, and we dressed you in your superman outfit.
Ready to be moved to the funeral directors. As fast as that. We had to get you moved.
Some family came to visit you, but they weren't meant to be coming to see you as an angel that day.
Awful. Awful. Awful.
Sitting in the hospital cafe, hearing all the noise around me, all the chatter about meaningless stuff. I was dying inside.
I couldn't speak. I barely uttered a word. I sat in silence, broken. Not understanding how people could chatter and gossip and find stuff to distract them.
My beautiful baby had just died.
I feel that way today Haydon. I don't have words. I don't think I will be able to hold meaningless conversations.
My son died a year ago. That journey with him broke my heart and I am no better yet.
I have no words.
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
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