He Has Changed Me.

“Women only cut their hair in times of crisis... It's somethin' a woman always has the power to do, even when she loses control over everything else. Cuttin' hair is a cry for help.” 
― Bella Pollen, Midnight Cactus

Did I get my hair cut because I am in the middle of an emotional crisis?...or just because I fancy a change?

Now, the sensible head on my shoulders says my hair needed a lot of TLC and deserved a big cut...and that I like how it looks now...

Emotionally? How would I know?....I live on a permanent emotional rollercoaster....although intellects do say that women cut their hair when going through an emotional trauma...

Whatever the reason....I like my new hair.....I feel liberated in some way...like a weight has been lifted...literally....I have only had short hair twice in my life and both times I hated it!!!...but I like this 'do'....

What was my first thought after Amy cut my hair? was it OMG it's so short??....no...

it was.....would Haydon still recognise his Mummy?

I know he would.  That boy.  My heart and my soul.  We were connected by something much stronger than having familiar, although reassuring faces.

A year today since we were told he couldn't be saved.  I am amazed that I am up and walking today.  I expected.....in fact...predicted that I wouldn't be at all good today....I have surprised myself....

Papa came round this morning and started to cry...he said he was so looking forward to having his little boy Haydon to take up north and teach all the tricks to.....
I cried when papa left.  This is his loss too.

I went up to show my parents my new hair-do....Mum asked how Jim and I were...I was ok for the most part...I spoke without gushing tears for the majority of the time....I did cry though, so did she.
This is her loss too.

This time last year my closest friend Beverley had arranged to come to Yorkhill to stay the night with me, as Jim needed to be here at home because of work.  When the doctor came round and broke the news at the side of his cot on a very busy ward...I fell apart.  I called Jim, he left to be with me straight away.  I called Bev to say not to come, we had just been given bad news.
She came anyway, cos that is how brilliant she is.  She came and she held me when I sobbed for my son.  She wiped my tears when I begged for him to be saved.  She made me eat when I had no appetite left at all. And not only did she do these things for me, but she did them for Jim too.
This along with so many reasons is why Beverley is and always will be massive in my life, she came when noone else did, she found a strength to support us, and god knows how she did......and does.
From that day until now, Beverley is still there.  She even cancelled most of her holiday to stay with me when Haydon was moved to the undertakers, and held me when I saw him in the moses basked in the parlour.

Horrible memories.
Beverley often tells me that she thinks of that day.  Two doting parents with broken hearts who tried their hardest to put their despair aside to show Haydon how important and loved and cherished he was, and is.  She talks of how she will forever remember us chatting with Haydon and interacting with him, and all we had for him was love.  Nothing but love.

I still have that love for my son.  It hurts even more today than it did way back then.  Most people wouldn't believe that though, because my mask is becoming more and more fixed each day...fewer and fewer people see how broken we are...unless they really spend time with us...and the mask doesn't stay in place for long.

I found this poem today.
He has changed me.  Aside from a new hairdo, I have a new 'me' that is starting to emerge with each day, and this new me is nothing like the girl from before.  How could I be.  I saw the most precious person in the world suffer and endure so many inhumane treatments...only to see them fly from my arms.  I will never be the same.



He Has Changed Me.

You changed me.
You changed who I am,
You changed who I will be
I am forever changed because of you.

You've taught me that love has no boundaries
You've taught me that there is more to life than what I know
You've taught me to really truly count my blessings.
You've taught me the strength of a bond between a mother and a child.

Life is unpredictable
Life is about the love you share, and the people you share it with
Life isn’t easy and there is pain beyond measure
But my life must continue, even though your life is gone.

I must continue, so that I can change the lives of others
the way you have forever changed me.


Mummy loves you bubba.  She just does, and so does Daddy.  That will never change.  xxxxxxxx