Am I better Yet?

My son's christening.  The day before he died.  A year ago.  He should have been baptised with all his family in a peaceful setting.  Not in a hospital room being read his last rights with just his Mummy and Daddy.  Dressed in the family christening robe that couldn't even be fastened around the neck because to lift him to do it ..would be too painful.
This will never be fair or ever be justified.


Time is a healer...I am told...all the time.  Does time heal all wounds?
I lost 3 babies in pregnancy and I healed, I healed enough to try again, to contemplate putting my body through another pregnancy, to risk another loss....could I do that now?

No.

If I wanted to, and I don't.  If it was physically possible to, would I try?

No.

Could I handle another child loss?...In honesty and this is my honesty on my blog...I could handle another miscarriage.  But I could never handle another Haydon.  I didn't get a chance to fully bond with my other babies.  I did with Haydon.  I didn't get a chance to hold my other babies in my arms.  I did with Haydon.
I never experienced a first cry with my other babies.  I did with Haydon.  I never fed any of my other babies with the milk that my body made.  I did for Haydon.  I never chose outfits for each day and washed them lovingly and ironed them and dressed up my babies in the finest of things.  I did with Haydon.
I didn't bath my other babies and watch them grip onto the side of the bath and cry with the fright of the water, or laugh with the bubbles on their belly.  I did with Haydon.
I am not saying that other people's losses are any less..I only compare my losses with my losses.  We each have our own grief...and not always for our children.

Am I better yet?
No.

It will be a year on Saturday since he left.  Has time brought any comfort? No.  Do I have any answers? No.

Am I experiencing frustration from others because I am not much brighter? Yes.

I do not know how long it will take me to grieve for my son.
If you are a parent....I ask you to do one thing....for a second.....close your eyes and imagine your child slipping away in your arms after a 3 month combined struggle....would you be better? Would you have found peace? Would you ever find peace?

We bought a new motorbike today.  Haydon was shown it first.  Jim drove up to the cemetery and showed the bike that we have nicknamed Sunny to Haydon. (Sunny because every other bike we have bought...it has rained, but not today)....Jim said it was only fair Haydon saw it before anyone...that him and Haydon shared the first moments of his life together.... I never saw him being lifted out my belly because of the curtain...Jim did.  I only saw him in the nurses arms and by that time Jim had already touched him.  Jim wanted his son to see the new bike.  I sat with a big lump in my throat....but he is right...he wanted to show his son the new bike...like we would have done if he was in our daily life.
Seems a bit random to talk about a bike when I'm talking about my son leaving....but that is just it...he hasn't left......not in the way that people think.....

Forever he will be ours, forever he will be our first thought.

Will I ever be better without my son?   No.

I might learn to wear a better mask, but our hearts are forever broken.

A day, a week, a month, a year....it makes no difference.  He should be here, like everyone else with their children.  Nothing will make us find peace with that.  NO amount of time will bring us comfort.

I was told yesterday that Haydon is in a better place.  no he isn't.

Where is better than being with his mum who loved, protected, soothed, and cared for him.

He is without suffering now........but we aren't.

We never will be.