I can't do anything else Haydon. I can only write, or try to. I can only attempt to get these feelings out...somehow. They are stuck like a huge ball of hard pain in my chest, I struggle to take in deep breaths, I struggle to form a sentence that isn't about you...
You are in my mind completely. Yet, I am trying to control this. The special doctor today said Mummy wasn't to try and control it, she was to feel it. Yet I am afraid Haydon. I am scared to feel this, the pain already is excruciating. The pain is already cutting me in half like the sharpest knife. It will get worse, before it gets better. I don't know if I can cope with worse. I have already had 'those' thoughts tonight....how that would be the only escape from this...I can't ever do that though...I won't....it would be the easiest fix though.
People may judge Mummy for being so low...but some other people will understand. I can't cope with this ball of pain that is starting to break up and stretch its way through my whole body. I turned off the house phone today..I couldn't face talking in it. I popped down the street to attend to stuff and I couldn't hang around chatting. I went to Massimo and fell apart, more that I ever have. Even he cried Haydon. He has children too and he said he can't imagine our pain.
Daddy has gone out with some of his friends for curry. That always cheers him up.
Mummy has had a nice big bubble bath, but she has cried for the last hour and it's not stopping yet.
I went up to your forever space today and washed down all your teddies and windmills and little ornaments. I cleared all the yucky flowers out your vases ready for your new flowers over the weekend.
You shouldn't be there. You shouldn't. April should be Granny and Grandads anniversary, and Uncle Bobe's birthday....nothing more.....that changed the day that you went. The same day that Grandad was attacked on his bus...the same day that the family party had to be cancelled...the same day that I felt this same ball of pain...and I couldn't speak at all.
Hard lump of pain in my chest,
trying to find ways to cope that is best,
breaking me down till I'm just a shell,
tearing me up..this journey through hell.
Walking through Hell..that is what this is,
A walk down the dark paths, all that you miss,
but this road has no end,
until its the end. I wait for the end.
Our dreams given, then taken away,
statistics 1 in 4. That's what they say.
But 4 times in 4, that can't be right..
didn't do drink or drugs, did everything right.
I will never find peace with our life anymore,
while the pain just builds up, and we're thrown to the floor,
enduring this nightmare,
Forever more.
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