Who Am I Now?

I did say to those closest to me that I would blog on major milestones so I could see 'me', not for anyone else's benefit..just mine..I feel stuck in a really big hole and sometimes it's hard to see how far I've climbed ...
so this blog entry is most likely going to be contemplative....rather than devastatingly sad...I think...I hope...

In 9 days time I will be facing the biggest hurdle yet since my son left.  It will be his angel day.  I will have passed the year milestone...a year without my son...I am amazed that I have managed this...I still can't believe it....I am not doing happy dances and big whooopeeee's...I just sit in disbelief..still numbed..I'm still here.....

I still think of grief, in its many forms, and how I have experienced loss several times over the years..
I am one of those people who seems to walk under Eeyore's clouds...
I have lost my best friend, my first marriage, been homeless, 2 other close friends in childhood/teenage years, grandparents, Uncles, Aunts, even a sibling....but I have also lost my own children..my own creations...I struggled after losing Euan, the pregnancy that was confirmed 20 weeks much much later than it should have been...was this a blessing?
I think about this...I could have 2 babies in graves now...how fair is this life for some people? I also have 2 other babies in heaven that I didn't even get a chance to meet because they were lost so early...
The why questions still continue, that hasn't changed...

Why us?
Why has this happened?
Why was my body not able to carry full term?
Why, even after doing everything I could did I still lose all my bundles?
Why can't we try again? Why has my body failed us again?
Why can't we just have our son...we were so happy?
Why did he suffer so much if he was being taken away anyway?
I could go on and on with these why questions..but for the most part, there is no answers...

How am I now? or maybe the question should be..Who am I now?

I am no longer full of confidence and full of beans...yes I have moments, but thats all they are..moments.
I am no longer passionate about my career choices....I used to bore people with useless facts and knowledge..I was so proud of what I did.
I am no longer patient with adults....I used to have an ability to listen and respond...sometimes now..it's too difficult to be patient and I react.
I am still patient with children, but I now keep them at arms length.....most of the time.
I no longer care if my make-up is on and my hair looks good all the time....it really doesn't matter.
I smile outwardly when in company, but inside I am permanently crying.
I want to have a passion for all things again...but I don't know how to.
I still enjoy music, but now I can't listen to certain songs or bands, and sometimes even cry at gigs...because I relate too much to the words or link it to a time and place.
I still care about my husband, deeply, and I KNOW he cares about me even more than before.
I would be lost without my dogs, but sometimes I don't have the emotional strength to walk them.
If I hear people moaning about their lives and their woes, and if they are trivial (compared to experiences we've had) I want to scream at them to shut up....if their issues are serious, I want to help....so I do still care deeply about people.
I now understand how low a person can feel, and wish for death more than life.
My family mean so much to me, but I can't always be open about how I feel because I worry it will upset them....I never have burdened my family though in honesty.
I get angry when I hear about other people's ignorance and lack of compassion......how hard is it to try and understand? really?.....
Adults going for medical procedures and freaking out.....do you KNOW what my son went through and he didn't complain or even cry much?...my ability to smooth and soothe has gone.
I have panic attacks.....I could never have even described what these were before Haydon...
I have medication to help to keep me calm, I also have medication to cushion my lows....I HATE drugs, but yet, here I am.
It grates on me when working people say they have no money.....really? Have you just spent thousands upon thousands paying for a funeral, coffin, headstone etc etc etc too?
I have a grave to visit and care for.....I should be caring for my son, and that will never be ok.
I am no longer a Zumba addict.....I can't even believe that myself.
I barely sleep, and when I do I dream awful dreams and wake up anyway...this isn't the sleepless nights I had in mind.....
I have a charity fund...for my son.....I always did support and donate and do charity work..now I do it for my own...
I can't cope with long term planning or looking too far ahead, I can only cope one day at a time.
I no longer know what I can do for a living, or cope with.
I have visible signs and a c-section scar from childbirth...but I don't have my child.
I am living in the same house, but it feels so lonely here now without Haydon, and he was only here for 10 days.

I could go on, I know I could.  But all in all....how am I?
It is nearly a year on and I am still broken beyond words.  I still gush about my son and how I miss him.  I still can't look at his photographs properly.
I am screaming in agony every day but sometimes I don't make a sound, I am trapped in this body of grief, I am trapped in a mind full of my son and I can't share his life and experiences to many, I have a completely different circle of friends who I can rely on, and I know I can because they came when Haydon left and they are still here.

My life is now split into 2 parts.  Before Haydon and After Haydon.

Before Haydon I would have described myself as outgoing, sociable, a giggler, passionate, adventurous, playful, noisy, mischievous, close circle of friends, committed, patient and loyal, a tea jenny and a zumba addict.

Now.  After Haydon.
I am anxious, unsure, fear the future, fear the future without my son in it, fear my relationship with my husband won't stand up to this level of strain, feel let down by so many friends, can't concentrate, apprehensive, panic stricken at times, tearful, moody, sad, I drink now...often, I eat terribly.

Even when at my happiest I am still deeply sad.  That is my biggest change.  Will that ever change?

Who could lose their 15 week old son and not be devastated...tell me?

A year? How can it be a year? I remember sitting in silence at Yorkhill, stunned to the core...Oh my god!!! my son has died!! he's dead!!! god...he's dead!!!..............since that day...nothing else mattered...the colour slipped out of the flowers, the blue dulled in the sky, waters lost their sparkle....

and so did I .

My heart is in heaven with my son......hard to fill a heart with joy when it is being kept safe, so far away.


xxxxx