The Pram...

Well Haydon,

The fall out has happened.  A few 'strong' days have passed and now I can't get up.  Now I can't get out of bed.  The rollercoaster continues.

Mummy had a bad dream last night.  An awful dream.  She woke up this morning crying such heavy tears.  I miss you.
In the dream I was out shopping, and I had you in your pram.  It wasn't your pram though, I don't know who's pram it was.  But you weren't alive.  You were being pushed around in your pram but you were dead.
Noone could see you except me to start with. I was walking around, trying to be normal and cheerful, but I could see you lying there, dead.  I spoke to you, and I sang to you, and I leaned over and kissed you, but you were an angel, you didn't respond.  I walked around a shop, with you in my arms, kissing you, holding you so tightly, you were so small, like you were at the neonatal unit, but noone could see me holding you, talking to you, they only saw me.
There was one woman in a shop I was in, who saw you, actually saw you, and she came over and stroked my arm and said, "you must be so heartbroken, what a beautiful boy".

I woke up and I couldn't stop crying.  I woke up Daddy with my howls.  I cried more when all my crying faces reminded me of you crying.  I am still in bed.  I can't get up.

This has made me think about the dream, because you know Mummy reads a lot about what dreams mean.

I know that it means I am walking around with my grief for you, my broken heart for my dead son, and most people don't see it.  Don't want to acknowledge it.  Some people choose not to see it.

How am I? I am still broken.  I have lost my son.  Regardless of what anyone says Haydon, losing your child, your own flesh and blood, your own creation, is a grief unlike no other, and people should just stop trying to compare it to any other loss.  Because it isn't the same.

We miss you, your Mummy and Daddy.
Your Granny has been having a rough time this week because she misses you too.
Your cousin Lewis is already feeling sad about Good Friday, he is too young to know this level of sadness and it breaks my heart.
Even your 3 year old cousin Casey wants her Baby Haydon.

A whole family's loss.  A whole family's grief.

We have not had just one low day, or one breakdown, or one spell of low moments.  This has been the worst year of our lives, and nothing, nothing, will ever be as bad as this ever again.

Except, we still walk around with our empty arms and our empty pram.  We see how most people feel uncomfortable and can't cope with this 'burden'.  We don't have a choice though do we Haydon, because we carry your loss with us every second of every day.
Your whole family does.

I can't get up yet.  I can't go out today.  Daddy feels the same and is just going to lie beside me and we will hug each other when the tears come.  It's that kind of day.

Forever is too long without you.  I still wonder if I can go the length of it without you.  I really do.  Forever is too long with a heart as broken as this.

I love you.  We love you. We just do.

I see you everyday, so does Daddy, even if so many don't bubba xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx