The last couple of days hasn't been good. Mummy has coped amazingly the last couple of days considering how she is, but Daddy isn't. Daddy is really starting to show us that he isn't coping without you now either.
Mummy and Daddy went into your room and started putting things into black bags that we weren't keeping. We were separating all of your used and worn things and putting them into your drawers. Mummy and Daddy didn't do a very tidy job at putting your things away, because it hurt to look at them all. But it has brought a really strange comfort knowing that all of your most precious items are all in one place. It broke our hearts seeing so many black bags filled with what should have been your things, to wear, to use, to lie on, to be wrapped in, and to play with. But they are all ready to go now, to second hand shops or wherever they go. So many items still with labels on, bags wrapping them up, gift tags, shop prices.......all for you. You really were a special and spoiled wee boy when you were here.
Daddy found that job so so hard, so did Mummy. We cried putting all of your things into bags. Mummy cried constantly, blowing her nose and wiping her tears all through the job. Daddy left the room, he couldn't cope with it after a wee while. Mummy spoke about taking down your animal safari that goes around your bedroom, and Daddy said he wants it to stay. I don't think he is ready to do that job yet, and knowing this, has made Mummy realise that she has probably made more steps in her grief than he has. That took me by surprise bubba, because Daddy has put this face on to the world, and goes out on his bikes, and keeps busy, maybe too busy really, but to the world he seemed to be coping better than Mummy. That isn't true, at all.
Last night though was the worst night yet. Daddy has been angry a lot recently, but Mummy knows that he gets angry when he is sad...she has knows this for a very long time. But last night the anger spilled over and Daddy reacted in a way that Mummy had never seen before. It all started with a cookery book. He was putting it on the shelf, and it fell down, so he put it up again, and it fell again. He lost it then. Everything was thrown about the kitchen, dinner, books, pots, the chair, he just threw everything in his path and broke a knob on the cooker. Mummy didn't know what to do, and that made her scared. So she went upstairs into her bedroom with the dogs and became so upset, while Daddy was still angry downstairs. When he came up he wasn't in a great way at all Haydon. He was sobbing so hard and Mummy couldn't be angry with him. He said he misses you, and he is angry that you couldn't stay. He wants you back. he said he is fed up feeling sad, and fed up feeling fed up, and everything is different now and he is fed up with that.
Mummy has contacted some of the lovely ladies from sands, and they have offered some help to Daddy. Mummy has also spoken to Daddy about going to the doctors, because he needs help now too.
But Daddy is such a proud and private man, and it might take him a wee while before he finds the strength to go, and put his pride aside to go. I don't know how to help him when he is so angry about things though bubba, all I can do is be there once he is ready for me to be. Daddy would probably be upset if he knew I was writing all of this to you but she needs to get it out Bubba, she needs to tell her sweet baby boy how sorely he is missed xxxxx
It breaks my heart to see Daddy like this.
Mummy remembers some of the Mummies at sands telling her a long time ago, that once Mummy started to find strength and started to cope, Daddy would then need it. How right they are bubba, and Mummy will try and help him. Because we all made a pact didn't we, that we would all help each other, forever. Mummy will help him as much as she can.
Daddy will be writing to you soon. He has made a blog. He wonders if it would help to speak to you. I think speaking to you would be a good idea Haydon, because Mummy knows it helps her.
So instead of closing your eyes and hugging me with your heart, hug Daddy, because he needs his Bubba hugs so much more than Mummy today xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Mummy loves you so much, and so does Dad xxxx
Mummy misses you so so much, and Daddy misses you just as much, even if he doesn't always say it xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx <3
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