"It says more about your needs, than mine..."

Hey Bubba,

Mummy bumped into her friend Maggie when she was in Tesco shopping on Friday.  It was quite hard seeing Maggie, because Mummy knows that she lost her adult son in his early 30's only 2 years ago.  He fell asleep in her house after an operation and he never woke up again, it is so so sad.  Mummy went to his funeral, and tried her hardest to be a good friend, and even though I knew I would never have the right words for Maggie, Mummy would write to her and send her poems and ask her out to lunch and listen.

Maggie knows how Mummy is now since losing you, and spoke candidly about how she has tried to hold onto her grief and composure since Robbie left, but she feels it is catching up with her now.  She feels she can't outrun it much longer, she feels her world is just going to collapse any day now, she fears this.  She told Mummy that she has gone back to work too soon and should have taken more time to acknowledge what happened to her son, and says Mummy is doing the right thing, making sure that she is well enough and strong enough first.  Maggie used to work beside Mummy so she knows what her job is like everyday.

The thing that stuck in my mind though, was when she started to talk about how her circle of friends has changed since she lost her son.  She spoke about how people cross the street to avoid talking to her, that old friends stopped calling, or visiting, and barely even contacted her.  Maggie said at first she was upset about all of this.  these people had been her friends for so many years...Maggie is aged to retire so some of these people are very old friends.  Maggie said she was angry and getting angrier, that so many people just stepped out of her life at a time when she really needed them.. At a time when things are as bad as they'll ever get.

Mummy replied, "me too, I know this, I'm familiar with this too".

Maggie said to Mummy that she is becoming quite ruthless and upfront with people.  Her daily struggle without Robbie continues, it doesn't get easier for her, so when she meets friends that she hasn't seen for a while, and they apologise for no contact, they didn't have the right words, they didn't know what to say...
Maggie told me that she is very blunt with them and says...

"well that says more about your needs than mine...I needed a friend, I still need a friend, and you aren't there'.

What a brave thing to say Haydon.  Maybe in time Mummy will say this too instead of crying at about all the friends who have stepped back, or stepped out of her life, because her grief is too much for them to handle.

It has been 11 months, 1 week and 2 days since you left us.  So many still don't have words for us, so many still don't text or call, or ask to meet, or even email.  I shouldn't be angry with them though.  I shouldn't be hurt by them all though.  Maybe I should just say...

"this says more about your needs than mine though, I needed a friend, I still need a friend, and you aren't there"...

I love you with all my heart bubba xxxxxxxx I felt you near me last night, I heard you sooking on your tongue as I was trying to sleep.  Of course, I didn't sleep well, it was 4 am when I last looked at the clock and I was up at 8 this morning.  But I heard you, thank you for visiting xxxxxxxxxx

my greatest love, you just are xxxxxxxx