Mummy's new tattoo, for you <3
When...
Look at that photo. You were my 6 month massive baby bump there. You really made Mummy's tummy go so big, that even the nurses and doctors at the hospital didn't believe that you were 10 weeks early. You were born about a month after this photo was taken.
When was the last time I was this happy?
When was the last time I felt truly hopeful?
When is the last time I felt complete and thankful?
When was the last time I had good thoughts and happy dreams?
When was the last time I didn't cry myself to sleep?
When was the last time I had a full nights sleep?
When did I finally start realising that you weren't coming back?
When will I stop playing over the day, minute, second, that you left us?
When will I stop replaying your funeral, and how my legs buckled under the weight of losing you?
When will my legs stop buckling under the weight of losing you?
When will I start feeling thankful for having you and remember the good times?
When will I stop replaying the bad stuff, and you hurting and being sore and unwell?
When will I start entering this new 'grief stage' called acceptance and be able to start living again, and feeling happy without any effort required?
When will I be able to go out and be the 'new' me, without having to glue a mask in place first?
When will I be able to make plans without worrying that I will fall apart and not be able to make it, or embarrass myself and my company, with big choking sobs when I'm out?
When will I be able to hear about new babies being born without it ripping yet another wound into my broken soul?
10 months today Haydon. 10 months since you left us. 10 months since you broke Mummy's heart, and it isn't your fault bubba, you had to leave, you were too sore xxx
10 months since I dropped to my knees and begged the doctors to save you.
10 months since we refused to go to a hospice just to watch you die.
10 months since we had you christened wearing the family robe, and giggled when you stopped sucking your tongue so you could listen.
10 months since we sat in the peachy coloured bare room and I held my boy so tightly that I could feel your heartbeat next to mine.
10 months since we played your song, Mummy doesn't play it now. It makes her cry even harder.
'Blackbird'.
"Someday I too will fly, and find you again". That is what Mummy's new tattoo says.
It could be today, or tomorrow Haydon, who knows. All I know is that when it happens, when I fly, it will be the happiest day of my life since you left, because I will be with you again.
All of my love Bubba. It could be 10 years since you left us, it wouldn't matter, I know I will still miss you every second of every day, with every beat of my heart.
Mummy loves you, she just does, completely xxxxxxxxxxx
Its been a little over a year since my baby Jack has been gone. I still ask the same questions. I have other children and I have people tell me how blessed I am and should feel that I still have three children. That I have to keep it together for them. There is no time to cry until late at night. I'm so sorry this has happened to both of us. A long time ago before I probably even had children I couldn't imagine hearing stories of mothers who held their babies/children while they died. I thought I would scream until blood ran out of every orifice on my body. That I would happily bleed to death at that moment. Then I found out that's not what happens. I held him until he was gone, I bathed him afterward and climbed in bed with him, but then I had to leave him, then it was over. I had no baby and I had to put one foot in front of the other, even with people carrying me on both sides. I still don't understand, for you or for me or the countless children and parents. Hang in there.
ReplyDeletethank you Ashley xx its just wrong isn't it. simply wrong. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteI really LOVE your new tattoo. It's beautiful and I love what it says.
ReplyDeleteHUGS to you mama <3 <3