Massimo says.....

Well bubba,

Massimo told Mummy today that he is setting her some challenges.  He isn't able to treat the traumatic images of you hurting that replay yet, because he feels that will be detrimental to my long term well being because my brain and emotions need to face all of this just now, while I am at the early stages of grief.  He is going to revisit the images and support mummy with them in April, after a whole year of milestones and hurdles has passed.

Massimo spoke a lot to mummy today about how he sees mummy and how she has changed in her coping strategies from losses and hurt and illness before.  Instead of going out more and creating new experiences to try and prevent focusing on the hard stuff, this time around Massimo thinks that mummy has really isolated herself from so many because she feels scared and frightened and fears new situations/conversation with people she hasn't seen since she watched you leave.  And even with people that she has met since you left.

Mummy is scared of...

Questions she can't answer.
That people forget you or trivialise your journey or our loss.
Facing new babies, and gushing parents, or complaining parents, and hearing endlessly about how their children are developing because it reminds Mummy of how you should be now, or how you were.
Being upset in front of others, trying to protect them from how deep my grief is.
Mummy's long term relationship with Daddy.
The changes in her personality and emotional strength.
The unknown future without you.
How stressed she becomes now when being the main shoulder for others to lean on, compared to how she was before with that role.
Job changes in the future, or being so different in the same role.
and probably more stuff that she can't articulate very well.

Massimo has set Mummy a task.  She has to step away from the computer for a while and only to reply to one emotional/personal email a day.
She is to set plans for lunch or drinks, or coffee with people she has already met, and people she hasn't yet.  Even on the hardest days mummy is to force herself out.  Even if it means standing on the doorstep for a while to find the courage to get past the fear.

Massimo wants Mummy to find the true value in relationships with others again, to show Mummy that life can bring some happiness, or a layer of happiness onto the sadness.  he wants Mummy to see that sometimes it is ok to have people in her company for different purposes, and that it's ok for her to put her grief aside for longer periods of times, he says this would be healthier for Mummy in the long term, to have more escapes from the grief.  Massimo said that Mummy may feel really emotionally heavy the day after being out and being 'stronger', but she has to set herself a task or a release at those times.
Mummy is to step away from grief forums for a while, but is allowed to go to sands because that is face to face contact. Mummy is to leave facebook aside for a while, properly, because that isn't helping Mummy to move from her grief place.
Massimo wants Mummy to gain experience of answering awkward questions so that in time it becomes easier with 'new' people or people from the past.  He wants Mummy to become more used to being the new 'her' and to come to terms with how she may be emotionally in front of others.  No mask wearing, no pretence, just truth.  Massimo said to Mummy it is the fear of other people's reactions that makes her feel she has to hide her grief and wear a mask.  She has to stop doing that, and he says it will become easier to show people how sore her heart is, and will encourage others to understand where Mummy is in her journey and what helps.
Massimo doesn't want Mummy to focus too much on work at the moment, or contact with work or renewing contact with work colleagues yet, so Mummy is to have that conversation with her boss when she comes to visit.  Mummy is to focus on herself just now.
Mummy is to keep a diary of how she has felt in the times she has been out with different company and/or friends and family, and what she found difficult, or what she found a bit easier.  How she felt after it and the next day.
If people are looking for Mummy to be their support or adviser in things, Mummy is to say.  For now.  She is to only focus on her own needs.  That will be hard bubba, I know this already.

The hardest thing though, and this will be the hardest thing, Mummy isn't to blog for a while.  She is to find other ways to speak to you, and share how she feels with you.  Mummy will miss having this safe place to chat to you without judgement.

But Mummy will try. She needs to try.  Whatever it takes, she will try.

Mummy will find a way somehow to live alongside her grief, not 'within' it.

So until Mummy chats to you again Bubba, she loves you so so so much forever and for always.  She just does.
I will speak it for now, but I won't be writing it.

Close your eyes and catch my hugs sent from my heart xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx