More Art....just for you...

This is my next tattoo Haydon...


mój syn
mój bohater
moje serce
moja dusza


(My Son, My Hero, My Heart, My Soul)

Mummy was going to get it written in Italian because it is the language of love, but it makes much more sense  and much more personal, to have it written in Polish.  Papa told me how to write it down, so Mummy will get the Polish translation on her left leg.

Mummy was never a fan of tattoos that were writing before.  But, then again, Mummy hadn't lost her 15 week and 2 day old Bubba before.  Now, Mummy finds comfort in having tattoos for you, for your memory, for my love for you, for my son.  If it ends up that my whole body is covered in time, so be it.  Even if my whole body was covered in memorial tributes to you, it still wouldn't be a patch on what you have gone through.

I miss you.  I am going tomorrow to speak to Massimo about me missing you, and missing my life as it was, and missing the friends that I had, and missing that feeling of waking up in the morning and feeling happy, truly happy.

Mummy was really sad yesterday.  The realisation that having your forever space looking beautiful, and making that my most important job of the day, it broke me Haydon.  It really broke me.  46 weeks ago you were still here.  I am still counting.  46 weeks ago I could still hold you in my arms, I could still smell your beautiful baby smell, and still touch your cute little button nose, and still comfort you when you cried.
It is so wrong that you aren't here.
This time last year I had seen you have 6 resuscitation's and 2 blood transfusions by now.  Your first 'blue-do' was on the 20th February. This time last year I was a nervous wreck.  This time last year I was worried that they wouldn't be able to bring you back to me.  But they did.  I wish you could come back to me now.

Time isn't making much difference Bubba.  Time isn't helping with the missing you.

Time isn't making me feel any more complete or whole again.  Time isn't making me hungry for life, I am only hungry for you.

Mummy read an article that was in an online magazine.  It was about your season of grief, which one is the hardest.  All of my seasons will be hard, I know this, but this one is definitely the worst.  I can't fully enjoy and appreciate the beauty of spring anymore Haydon.  I don't think I will for Summer either.  How can my heart be filled, when you are keeping it safe so far away.

Mummy is finding just now really really hard.  She isn't doing a great job again at answering the phone, or arranging to meet any new people on a 1 - 1 basis like Massimo wanted....I only find I can cope with meeting those closest to me.  I feel very lonely with this grief Haydon.  Noone knows what to say or do, and some are getting bored with me I think. I tend not to say very much at all.  Noone gets it.  Sometimes I feel that Daddy, or some angel mummies don't fully get me either.

You were my world before you came, you were my world while you were with me.  You are still my world now.

I love you Bubba.  I just do. xxxxx