Hey my beautiful boy,
Mummy has to write to you today. She is a big bag of emotions and is torn between feeling brave one minute and heartbroken the next.
Mummy has always had this fear, it is probably irrational, but it is a fear just the same, that she would forget how special you were in her arms if she held another child. It has been nearly 11 months since I held you. I have held no other little one in the days since you have gone.
But last night Mummy was at a Family party, and Murray, your cousin was playing chasey with Mummy and doing high fives and having fun. He had reached out his arms earlier for Mummy and Mummy didn't take him, but later in the night Mummy was brave, and she did. For a little while I held him and danced with him, and then Mummy started to feel the tears coming so she gave him back to his own Mummy.
Mummy ended up with a big whooosh of emotions. Murray isn't as little as you were when you were here, and he isn't even the age that you would be now....but still.....it took a lot of courage and a big deep breath to hold him. Mummy is proud of herself for doing that. But Mummy is also feeling a lot of 'missing you' emotions today because she wishes she could hold you. Mummy doesn't feel like she has spoiled your memory in any way, or the memory of holding you in any way, but she does have a big gush of emotions because she misses you. I want to hold you, I want to hold my son.
Some people at the party last night thought that Mummy got upset because she'd had a couple of drinks....but I sobered up completely when I had your cousin in my arms. I didn't become upset because I was 'drunk'....I was upset because I miss you. Because I miss my son. It doesn't matter if Mummy has had a drink or not, it doesn't matter if Mummy is with family or with friends, it doesn't even matter if Mummy is at home or outdoors......when the wooooosh of tears come, they come, and I can't stop them.
Massimo says I've not to stop them. Massimo says that i've to tell people how I am. Massimo says that it's ok if Mummy gets upset, that people will understand.
But Mummy doesn't feel comfortable with that Haydon, she doesn't like crying at parties, she doesn't like missing you all the time and people seeing that, but Mummy can't wear a mask for a long time either. And it is so sad that when Mummy is out, there is always a time where the mask slips down and people see her hurting.
I don't deliberately feel this way Haydon. I don't want to be upset or upset others. I don't like this life. I don't like not having you in my life.
Daddy says the same. Drunk or sober, he misses you. At home or away, he hurts for you. We will always miss our son, because you are ours.
47 weeks and 2 days ago you were still here. If tears could have brought you back you would have been back ages ago. You are the only thing that will 'fix' me.....I know that nothing else will. So until then Mummy will try and protect others from her broken pieces, because she doesn't ever want to be a burden on people. Mummy's grief for you is a big enough burden for one person to carry, even though sometimes it is too much to carry. She doesn't want others to feel awkward and uncomfortable around her....even though Massimo says.
Mummy loves you baby xxxxxxx she just does. xxxxxx
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