This was always my safe place to speak to my son, or about my son.
It has been 2 weeks since I stopped going on grief forums all the time...
this was where I spent A LOT of time chatting to other angel parents.......I don't miss it, that has surprised me. But, the realisation that I don't miss it doesn't really matter much to me because it hasn't made me feel any 'better' or 'stronger' for it.
It wasn't long before I restarted using facebook because I knew pretty quickly that it really doesn't affect how I feel, unless I am feeling pretty bad to start with....but those are the days I avoid being online. I have realised that I feel how I do because I have lost my son, and I have realised that some situations are still easier to cope with by that technique called avoidance.
I started keeping the 'emotions' diary 2 weeks ago, but I stopped writing in it after a week because it was so repetitive, I can explain now to Massimo how I am before, during and after an outing, I can explain how I feel before, during or after a night out, I know how hard I find it to I face challenges some days....I know that somedays I just can't overcome my 'fear' - regardless that I have been told to 'do it and face it head on'. I know now that the trigger is life....simple really......life is the trigger.....and sometimes ....it is babies. I know that sometimes going out has helped me. I also know that sometimes going out hasn't.
But for me the biggest lesson I have learned in the last 2 weeks is that I still don't share much of my deep feelings with others. I still protect others from my grief and how I really am. I still put on that mask and try and maintain composure and politeness...pretty much all of the time that I am not at home with Jim. When I feel the tears coming I still apologise for it, and I still stop them as quickly as I can because noone needs to be coping with me...the grieving mum.
Instead of having a release for all of my emotions I have felt like a pressure cooker. If I am out and facing challenges most days, like Massimo wanted, I am floored with the weight of the emotions the next day, or that night, or the next night etc etc...because I have now realised that I have nowhere to put my emotions, that my blog did contain my true feelings and was a release for me...because I just won't place the weight of my grief on others.....even if I have been faced with no other choice ...I still won't do it.
I was out with my best friend Beverley yesterday and I was chatting to her about what I am learning since starting my post trauma counselling with Massimo.
I was fairly composed to begin with. I tried to explain in my own words how my grief' is like an extra person in a room, and once you announce their arrival - their presence can't be ignored. Once you have started conversations about THAT, it creates an awkwardness that lurks about and follows you around for the rest of the while like a shadow. When a question is asked where there is no way to avoid answering without mentioning THAT....if they don't already know my son's story they react one of 2 ways. The first way is to act like my son hasn't been here, because to acknowledge that he was in my life and is now gone and left this vast space, is far too uncomfortable to talk about, beyond anyone's comprehension unless it has happened to them, or they think it is easier for me to pretend I don't have a son. The second way to react is to become very emotional, them I mean, not me, because I tend not to allow myself to show it..the loss I mean. The people who become very emotional, then find it hard to move on from THAT subject. It looms over the whole time like a big shadow and it can't be lifted. On those occasions I will stop speaking about my son to prevent more upset (for them) or apologise profusely for making them upset to start with.
So either way, either reaction, doesn't make it easy for me to share how I am, or share stories about my son and his life (if you can call it that), or share my fears of going on without him in my life, because once the conversation has been raised or the knowledge is learned....there's no moving on from it. It can spoil time out.
When I discussed this with Bev in much more detail...she said to me ...yep but the 'grief' that lurks like an extra person, is an extra person isn't it. It's Haydon, and he will always be with you, all the time, and you can't overlook that forever.
I started to cry. because this made sense to me. I realised that I am uncomfortable with my own grief, much more than anyone else is.....I am struggling to comprehend losing my own son. I am struggling with the fact that he isn't in my arms anymore. I haven't any answers that are good enough to questions that are asked. I feel the presence of my son in every company I am in....even if the others don't. I can't get my own head round this tragedy....I am embarrassed with my own feelings and battle of emotions.
I also battle with a feeling of irritation, and sometimes it's anger, at the platitudes that are offered to 'support me', because people don't know what to say, so they just say 'something'. I know that noone can understand this loss unless they have experienced it, so I know now that THIS puts me off sharing and offloading to those closest to me......because as much as they would want to get it and want to know what to say or do...they can't. I know that this is a new realisation for me and explains some way why I don't share.
It annoys me that people offer the same old cliches. Time will only help me to cope with not having him...it will not make life without my son 'better', my life will never be 'better' but I will learn to cope better.
I am not 'strong'....I did not choose this path, I didn't ask for this life or this experience...I have no choice. Being blunt, when I wanted to take my own life because i wasn't coping with life without my son, I wasn't allowed to. I am not always here and living (as best as I can) through my choice...so when people answer..."oh, I couldn't survive what you have" or say "I wouldn't be here anymore, you are so brave". No I'm not. I have no choice. That choice was never a choice.....death has never been an option, even though I begged for it. and sadly, if THIS happened to you, you would still be here, and you would keep going, because there is NO other choice.
I am not an inspiration. This still grates on me when I hear it. There is nothing inspiring about continuing to live after the loss of your child, because you have to find a way to live after the loss of your child. losing my son didn't inspire me to live...it initially inspired me to die.....but I have no choice but to live......I have not been inspired to 'party on in life' because he has gone...his life and him is not an inspiration...he is my devastation and a whole family's loss.
But I do know that writing to my son is needed. I will be saying that to Massimo on Thursday. I can't keep feeling like a pressure cooker....because I can't force myself to share my lowest times with others...I just can't....
especially when I know that unless they are angel parents...they won't get it, they can't. I know that my loss will cause others to compare and reflect on the worst grief that they have experienced...and no other grief can compare to the loss of a child.........everyone else has had a life and experiences, and good stories and memories to tell.......my son doesn't.
I have outlived my son.
That is not meant to happen.
I also know that SANDS and angel mummy friends are still a lifeline for me, I still know the value in contact with others who 'know', other who 'get it' others who truly 'understand'. Because they just do. Sadly, they do.
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