Your pal Kevin, is 30...

Happy birthday to Kevin.  He really had a brilliant time, i'm so glad.  He just wanted Christmas to hurry up so he could have his birthday, that's what he told mummy weeks ago.  I think Kevin is the only person in the world who celebrates getting older, so he can have parties :-) Kevin loves Parties.

Mummy put her party face on, well the face that she uses to act 'happy'.  Sometimes that is hard to do, but last night for Kevin's birthday I was feeling quite happy, I am so glad I went.  I wouldn't have missed his birthday, for anything.  I just hope noone is upset that Mummy got drunk and cried and stuff......

Mummy drank lots Haydon, but you know she does this to hide sometimes, and jeeezo, she did.  She was even dancing to dance music, and did zumba dances, and all sorts....Mummy didn't feel her sore toe all night after she started on vodka....it hurts today though, oh well.

Everyone seemed to have a lovely time, especially Kevin, and he was the most important person.

Half way through the night Mummy heard 'lazerlight', one of your songs, and she found it hard to be happy at that time.  The song ended just at the right time though, so Mummy put her party face back on.

Then, as the party was getting close to the end, Mummy saw Aunty Elinor, and she was crying while watching Kevin on the dance floor.  Mummy went straight to her bubba, because Mummy knew what she was thinking and what was making her cry.
That thin veil that covers that horrible thing called my 'grief' for you, well, that slipped at that time bubba, because mummy started crying too.

This time last year our whole family wasn't just hoping and praying that you would be fine, we were all praying for Kevin too.   Mummy was at the hospital looking after you and couldn't get to see Kevin in hospital because he was far away, but he never left Mummy's mind.  Aunty Elinor and Mummy would chat on the phone, asking how each others boys were doing, it was a hard time, such a hard time.  But then we lost you and that broke all our hearts, just at the same time that Kevin made a miraculous recovery.

Thank god he did.  Last night all of those thoughts and feelings rose up in Mummy.  I wish we could have been lucky and kept you too.  But I know how scared Aunty Elinor was, and Uncle Mark and the whole family, we couldn't lose Kevin too, not after losing you.  Thankfully we didn't though.

So the end of the night was very emotional.  The lid popped off the jar, the veil slipped, the emotions came.  I wish they hadn't because I try so hard not to let others see me hurting Haydon.

But I love him too, I just do.  Kevin is 30.  I can remember him sitting on my knee and falling off 29 years ago! Aunty Elinor said he doesn't hold any bad feelings against mummy for this though because Mummy was only 8 years old, and Kevin liked to rock on her knee.  That memory has stayed with me for always though, I was more upset than he was.

I wonder if you were at the party last night.  Kevin didn't say.  But I don't doubt that you were because he was your favourite pal, and you chatted to him and blew him bubbles all the time.

I love you bubba, I just do.  I wish you could have been here to celebrate your big cousin and pal turning 30.

You and him......you are the strongest, bravest, most loving people I will ever know, and I hold you both in my heart so closely.

Catch my kisses bubba.  I miss you baby boy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx I just do.