9 months. Will I track the day I lost you forever?

Hello bubba.

9 months today since you slipped away.  9 months today since I saw you, felt you move, listened to you breath, placed my hand on your chest and felt your heart pumping a steady beat.  Not a strong beat by this time because you were hurting too much, but you were still with us.  I miss you.  I miss you more than I could ever have words for.

So much is going round my head today, the memories of letting you go, the memories of having you in my arms, the memories of you being held by your family for the very last time.  It doesn't feel 9 months ago since you left our world, but it is, because it is the 6th of a month again, I hate 6th of the month.  I think I will always hate it.  Will I track the day I lost you forever?  I probably will, because this is the day my world fell apart.  This is the date that I fell apart.  Changed forever, and not in a good way.
You have my heart, all of it minus a little left behind to love Daddy and all your family, and special friends.  But Mummy is wondering if she will ever have the ability to love completely again, because now I have a guard, and a mask, and neither are easy to drop for long enough.  I have numbed myself as much as I can from the hurt of missing you, but it is so painful, I still feel it, every second of every day.  I don't think I will ever be whole again.  In fact, I know I won't be whole again.

I have left the one 'normal' thing in my life behind again, maybe permanently.  I am not a woe is me person, but I sure as hell feel it on facebook Haydon.  Happy happy posts.  Status updates about birthdays and celebrations, new pregnancies, new births, looming new births.   I can't do it anymore.  There isn't a good enough shield on there for me just now, and not many people see the need for a shield, or a thought.  But Mummy knows that she would never have did all that.  She would never have went on about how wonderful her life is when she was aware that others were hurting so badly. But maybe that's just me hey.

I went into your room yesterday and had an impulse to put all of your clothes into a black bag.  Not looking at them, just chucking them in, all of them apart from the ones we have already saved.  the thought of going through all those outfits that you should have worn is hurting too much for Mummy.  Daddy doesn't want to do that though.  He wants to raise money for your charity fund, make a purpose for them.  I am struggling Haydon and the upstairs of the house is a mess.  We need to clear your room properly.  I have started and stopped, and started and stopped, but I need to just do it.  I don't know when I'll be strong enough to though.

Mummy heard about one of her friends girls being at hospital the other day, and Mummy was so worried for her, especially as she was going to the shit kids.  More than anything though it brought back a flood of memories about taking you there, and the panic, and the tears, and the fear, and the anger at how you were being treated.  It isn't anyone's fault that Mummy reacted like this, noone would expect a reaction like this to something that sounds relatively simple, but this is my life now.  Filled with triggers, and some of them unexpected or unusual.

I am glad I have this place to write to you because Mummy hasn't felt strong the last couple of days, and I miss you.  The world has moved on.  It is a new year.  but yet Mummy misses you like someone has ripped out her heart and jumped on it till it is squished and broken and lying in splinters on the floor.

I want you back.  I can't have you.  I want to feel you in my arms.  I can't have you.  I want to feel your breath on my neck as you snuggle in how you used to.  But, I can't have you.

I wonder at myself Haydon, I really do, but then I suppose that's what a mothers love is.  I had you less time than you have gone now.  But the hurt is the same.

A broken Mummy with a broken life, broken dreams, and a broken heart,

I love you bubba, I just do.  I can't pretend today.  I miss you too much.

All of my love bubba, close your eyes and feel my big massive squishy hug with my heart, and smile at me, that grin that you had for Mummy, and only Mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx