Silent Screams

I scream silently at the memories whizzing by,
A crushing weight in my chest,
why? why? why?

In one weeks time it will be a year,
since we brought you home,
since we lost our fear.

That fear that you would leave,
not stay,
That fear that gripped us every day.

But you came home,
We were all so proud,
just closest family allowed.

I asked your Gran, did I steal?
Is this bubba mine, is this real?

She cried with me, she held me tight,
she said he's home, he's now alright.

Folk had waited,
wanted to see,
this baby who was born to me.

Wait till he's strong,
that's what we'd say.
So many never got their day.

We'd laugh up in the NNU.
about washing hands,
protecting you.

We wouldn't risk your health at all,
you were too early,
far too small.

What good did all that fussing do,
friends and family
missed out on you.

To lots you are a photograph,
they didn't feel your weight,
or see you laugh.

Our baby boy,
Our precious son.
loved and missed by Dad and Mum.

We would have gave the world,
for one more day.
Couldn't have our wish, or have our way.

The countdown's started,
this grief is real,
no words to say how crushed we feel.

We thought we were doing ok,
until just now,
until today.

The 21st yesterday.
You'd be 1 year 1 month one day.

This time last year, approaching too fast.
Our memories, and happiness.
Our past.

In a week's time it will be a year since Mummy made the announcement that our beautiful and brave premature baby was coming home.  It will have been a year since we asked everyone to give us time to settle into our 'home', your 'home'....so many never got the chance to meet you Haydon.  To many of them you are a face in a photograph.  To many of them you weren't real.  To lots of them they didn't get to give you a hug or your hand a squeeze.  The didn't see how humble Mummy and Daddy were and how having you still with us and home had brought us to our knees with gratitude.

Now we are brought to our knees with grief.

The hardest time is coming up now.  Mummy and Daddy have talked about this.  Our hardest time will be from now up until that horrible date, the 6th April.  Our Journey will replay from now.  We have tangible memories to compare and contrast this horrible existence to.
This time last year we were happy, truly happy.  This time last year we were hopeful, so hopeful.

This time last year we felt we had finally did it.  We had our forever boy, to keep and love and cherish forever.
But you weren't allowed to stay.

The happiness of that day seems surreal now Haydon.  Mummy told Granny that she felt she had stolen you, like you shouldn't be home with us yet.

Mummy was right though bubba.  Borrowed time.  That's all we had.

Too beautiful for this world.

Our world was beautiful back then.  We had you.  We needed nothing else.

Mummy loves you so so much Bubba xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx she just does xxxxxx