Mummy isn't an overly religious person, but she is very spiritual, you know this bubba, because she would pray to all the angels for you when she was with you, do you remember?
Today Mummy found a quote, from the Bible (I have never read the bible, Aunty Paula has though) and this quote spoke to my heart, this quote has given me hope on such a dark day, this quote will be remembered and I will say this over and over until I am with you again. Until I can see you again.
John 16:18
'In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me'
In a little while I will see you. I wonder how long that will be.
This has been a really hard week for Mummy. She has tried so so hard to keep her mask up and not show how hard it has been. But Mummy isn't feeling very good again Bubba, at all.
This week Mummy went to see a special doctor who says he will help me to cope with all the images that never stop in Mummy's brain. All the images of you hurting, and being hurt, and being sore, and them trying to suction out your lungs to make you breath better, and the physio they would do everyday, twice a day, when they had to thump on your chest to loosen up all the fluids, and all the cannulas that they put in your hands and your feet and then your head and neck when you had no good veins left in your hands and feet. Mummy still has those images of you getting blood transfusions, and going bright pink afterwards, then the times when you would panic and stop breathing and they would have to resuscitate you, 37 times, and Mummy saw all of them except one. Why did I count them?
The times where they would do biopsies on you and they would have to invade some of your private parts so they could take samples, and the times when they would have to change your feeding tubes because they had become loose and tangled at the back of your throat and Mummy would see the big mass of blue tubing in your mouth and worry so much about that. Mummy told the doctor about you having your heart surgery and how scary that was, waiting, watching. Those same words that the doctors at the horrible hospital would say to us, watch and wait. The images of those nurses forcing tubes down your nose that were far too big for your tiny little face, and seeing you lying freezing cold and wearing only a nappy on that trolley and they didn't let us pick you up or wrap you .
The images of you being distressed with cpap because you hated that so much, and yet you had to have it for 7 weeks.
Seeing you in your travel pod. You looked like you had gone already, you looked so peaceful, but you looked like you had gone, you had been put through too much. The doctor saying to us that it didn't look good for you. Then the doctor saying in the busy ward that he couldn't help you anymore.
Then you leaving us. Telling us you'd had enough. You'd had enough of blood tests and injections and bruises, you'd had enough of physio and suctions and not being held and loved like a baby of your age should be. That day when you left, in my arms, beside Daddy, was absolutely the worst. I am now broken and I can't be fixed. We saw you leave, I felt you leave. Noone should know how that is.
A week filled with talking about you and the memories of you with doctors. A week filled with worrying about our future, without you, how will we get through this? How will Mummy get through this? How can I live, how can I feel alive again?
I miss you. My heart is broken. The movie reel keeps playing, it is a running commentary in Mummy's brain, and she feels the hurt and upset and frustration everyday that she couldn't help you, and keep you safe.
No matter where Mummy is or who with those images play, in the background, over and over.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. yes, it's diagnosed, but it is more than that.
My heart is broken and I need my son.
I need you, I just do.
I miss you, I just do.
I love you, I just do.
I am broken without you, I just am.
Maybe it's time for my special angel boy to help his Mummy, help me to live now, help me to keep going Haydon. Because I need you to, I just do.
<3 <3 <3 catch my love and all my kisses and know that I am hugging you with my heart, I just am.
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