Would it be worse if he was older?

OK.  So today I need to write this because the thoughts have been going round and about in my brain.  I hope today's blog will be thought provoking, cause contemplation, maybe a bit of realisation too.  But hey, I write this so that I can make sense of it, most importantly.

Last week I was asked " Would it have been worse if he was older, like 6 or something?"

I am going to try an answer this question as best I can, as much as I understand this loss of my son, if I do at all.

Today I met an older lady, I know this lady.  She lost her son.  Her son was around late 30's, this 'son' was at one point meant to have been my future brother in law.  He took his own life, by hanging.  We miss him, he was a lovely man.
When I was speaking today with Marion, who my younger siblings call 'Aunty marion', she asked me how I was.  I answer that I'm not very great, every day is a struggle, I feel like I have lost my passion for life.  Her reply was, me 2.

She then proceeds to tell me that she isn't looking forward to Christmas because her son isn't with her.
I answer, me too.

She then tells me that she hates the idea of a new year, because that is another year starting without her son in it.
I reply, me too.

She tells me that there are some days that are so hard that she could just leave, to be beside her son.
I reply sadly, me too.

She tells me she holds other people accountable for her son's death.
I say, me too.

She tells me that her heart feels empty, and nothing fills it.
I replied, me too.

Then she tells me that most of her died when her son did.
I replied with great empathy, me too.

She held me tight and said to me, it won't get easier, you won't get over losing Haydon, but you will learn to cope, in time.  In time you will be able to say his name without crying.  She says this while telling me through sobs, I still cry for Andrew.

So there we have it.
 4 months approx vs 40 yrs approx.

Is the loss less?
Is the loss the same?
Is she feeling what I feel, do I feel what she feels?

I said to Marion, "some people think my loss is less because my son was a baby"

her reply, "Nonsense.  You love your child the minute they are born and that love stays, it doesn't matter what age your child is, you love them just the same, it never gets stronger and it never weakens, you just love them, and that's it".

So I ask you....if you have more than one child and you were in a sinking ship, which one would you save? The oldest.....do you love them more?....do you sacrifice the youngest...do you love them less?

I bet your answer was, I would sacrifice neither, I love them equally, I would sacrifice myself for my children.

So there we have the question answered.

I would have sacrificed myself too.

Would it be worse if he was older?

No.