Annemarie misses you too, bubba.

(Annemarie is Mummy's Friend)

Annemarie Stewart.

Who Haydon is to me.....

So little guy, I remember first becoming aware that you were in Mummys tummy when we bumped into each other in the Main Street. Mummy hadn't told many people because she was scared. Not scared of you. Scared of losing you. She had been through so much loss already she could hardly allow herself to believe that you would arrive.

I've known Mummy a long time from afar, a short time as hello friends then your presence created a close bond. I liked asking about mummy's pregnancy. I liked watching her belly grow, you making your presence known.

Time passed and fear calmed a little bit I think. Did Mummy start believing this really was her time? I don't know little man. All I know is she beamed waiting for you. She went through a challenging pregnancy but I never heard her complain. She woulda done anything. For YOU.

Then I became pregnant Haydon. I've had a lot of loss in my life. I adopted my little girl when her Mummy, my precious sister went to heaven. We waited a long long time. So I could be sure Morgan was settled,confident, safe emotionally to know that she owned me. And it happened. I was pregnant. Me and Mummy spoke of going walks, we spoke about names we were thinking off, we compared her big bump to my totesy early one.

Then one day everything went into free fall. Mummy and me were emailing. I had contacted her to say I has heard she was in hospital, is everything okay. It wasn't. You were struggling inside little man. You had issues that needed addressing quickly a d mummy's health was in question too. It was also clear now that you had Downs syndrome. Mummy seemed to be Wonder Woman. She took it all in, sucked it up and matched on making it clear her boy was perfect. Special. Wanted Loved. Needed. Cherished. And you were born. You arrived. Her gift. Daddy's gift. Hundreds of messages welcomed you on Facebook. Everyone wanted to share on the joy of your arrival. None more than me either. I loved that you were here. I knew you faced challenges but to be honest God gave you the best Mummy and Daddy he could have. Yous were prepared to face this world head on. And that you did precious boy.

But you struggled. You battled and fought and every time you overcame a major obstacle another one, bigger and scarier presented itself. But you fought on. So did your parents Haydon.

I can tell you now that this was the turning point in my emotions and regarding sharing my pregnancy..... I started feeling frightened. For you. For Mummy. For me and my baby. I spoke to Fraser in bed most nights about you, mummy and Daddy. Fraser works with uncle Roberts wife. I would ask if he had heard anything from her. I watched mummy's fb page. I text her a lot.

Then you came home!! Hurrrrrrah!!! You came home baby.

But it wasn't to last. I didn't even get to see you. Everyone knows that the first week of a baby coming home is bedlam. So I left it to calm. And in the end we were never to meet. I wonder how it can be then that someone I never met, a baby, can have evoked such strong feelings inside me.

I stood back and bore witness to the most heinous struggle darling. You fought for your life. You have it everything. Your Mummy and Daddy marched alongside you, their hearts being torn out. So much going wrong, too much for you to keep fighting. But you tried and tried.

The day I heard that you had become an angel I sobbed. I cried and cried rubbing my belly. The years were for you Haydon. For the superbaby, the heroic strength you had shown for such a totesy soul. I howled for your Mammy. For your Dad. For your Grandparents. I couldn't find an answer that helped me understand d why this had happened I still can't.

I kept on touch with Mummy. I let her know I was always right behind her. She has a lot much closer friends that I am but I felt and feel a strong connection to her and I felt that I was to be there. Just on the sidelines. Watching her.

Your funeral is the saddest I have ever been too. So so many grown adults howling. Sobbing. Your photos - images of every breath you took it seemed, every smile you radiated, ever piece of courage you had to muster. And I cried more. I felt so angry at God. Why let Mummy experience this? Why?!!!

I know now though.

You weren't here for a long time. But you were here. You made a difference. You filled Mummy and Daddy's arms and heart with love. And hope. And they bore witness to a tiny hero. We all did Haydon.

So I tried then to know how to best be a friend without flaunting my baby belly around Mummy. I couldn't even imagine the guttural, raw, bottomless hell that your family were going through. The rage, the whys, the pointlessness of it all. Why you?

In quiet time alone or with Frase I panicked. What if this happened to our baby. To us. I wanted to take the pain from your Mum, for even an hour. But I couldn't. I hid away from her physically whilst remaining in contact by text or email.

She started a blog about you and nightly I read it. Crying often Fraser read it too. Crying. You, my darling moved us.

I had my baby Haydon. Wee Freya. And I can honestly say that your Mum and you and your Dad were in our thoughts, our conversations regularly. What ifs, can you even imagines, we ticked weeks off knowing that you had been here fifteen. I said to Fraser every week. How much do we love Freya? That's how much Helen loves Haydon. And he was taken from her. Every time she did something new, a smile, lifting her arm alone is say Helen watched her baby do that Frase. I couldn't comprehend till that point fully the destruction of your Mummy's whole soul losing you. I wish I still couldn't. I wish your Mummy didn't know. I wish you were here.

What did you teach me Haydon? You taught me that love is all that matters. That your size has no bearing on your strength of spirit and soul, that life isn't fair but that love surpasses all boundaries. Even death.
You may have left this earth but the love, admiration, respect that I, with everyone who knew you, who knows Mummy and Daddy, it burns on.

You will be reunited again my darling. Mummy needs you to help her Haydon. Keep her strong enough to keep going just now. Show her, in time, that she can keep going. Be aide you already have her and daddy's seat reserved in heaven don't you.

I lost Freya's twin Haydon. That baby went to heaven before Freya was born. I hope my sister has our baby. And if you happen to meet them let them know I adore them. I utterly love them. I just do.

And you little man.... I'll never forget you.

Xxxxx