Moan, moan, moan.

Hello my gorgeous boy.

All Mummy ever seems to do these days is moan, moan and then moan.  No wonder people are getting fed up with her.  She's getting fed up with herself.
This last week has been awful.  Actually this last fortnight has been awful.  Since we came back from the wedding, Mummy has been awful.  I can't seem to lift myself up Haydon.  I am really struggling.  Again.
I think back to when Mummy got a spiritual reading a few months ago and he said Mummy was going to get far far worse, not better.  I can see this happening now.  Mummy is hiding a lot just now.  She is back to just wanting to die.  Mummy just wants to be with you, she isn't happy with this life and has nothing in it to give her hope apart from Daddy, her family, her dogs, and a couple of friends.  Mummy is so fed up of feeling so so sad, everyday, feeling so sad.
Through everything that Mummy has had to cope with in her life she has never felt as bad as this.  She has never wanted to leave before, but losing you is the hardest thing in the world for Mummy to cope with.  Has ever had to try to cope with, and that says a lot when Mummy held her best friend in her arms and watched him leave, and had to create a new life when she left her first husband and lost her job and became homeless all at the same time.  I am really struggling with this.  This, being you, or not having you, you not being here.  Most days Mummy is just finding it far too hard again, so she has spoken with Daddy, and Aunty Bev, or she should probably say she has spent hours and hours howling at Daddy and crying down the phone at Aunty Bev, and we have all made a decision together.

I am going back to the doctors, earlier than is planned for me to go for my review, and I am going to agree to having my prescription put up in the hope that I will cope a little bit better.  7 months on and I'm not much better at all Haydon, 7 months on and I still don't really want to be here.  For a while Mummy was starting to pick herself up a little bit, but this last couple of weeks Mummy is floored again.  This mask is heavy and its gaining weight.
I am scared of taking a stronger prescription.  I am scared that it will make Mummy dopey and numb you out altogether.  But I can't cope with feeling like this so I need to try.  Until I get the right support at least, and Mummy does think it's a joke that 7 months on I'm still waiting for the PTSD counselling - so does Daddy and Aunty Bev, and even the doctor.  I need to try something because Mummy is frightened that she will end up leaving Daddy all by himself if she lets herself feel this way much longer :-(

I was looking for my sewing pins tonight, I thought they may have been put in your room.  I went into your room and found your tiny little white glove that we thought we had lost at the neonatal unit.  Mummy picked it up.  It still smells of you bubba.  Mummy fell apart.  For hours and hours she was in pieces.  I miss you so much.  Much more than I could ever say.  Much more than anyone would ever be able to understand.

How I miss the life I had.  How I miss the person I used to be.   How I wish I had the power to change things for us all, but I can't.  How I wish that I was as strong as I used to be.  How I wish I could stand up to this and live, properly live, not just go through motions.

Give me some of your superpower strength to keep me standing until I get back to the doctors baby boy xxxxxxxxx Mummy loves you so so much, and that hasn't changed in any single way, I just do bubba, forever and ever xxxxx <3


Update. Friday 9th November.

Mummy called the doctors and couldn't get an appointment.  But she did get a phone consultation.  Thank god for that.  The Dr was lovely, she always is, she understands.  She has increased Mummy's prescription temporarily, and she has given Mummy some pills to take at 'panic' moments that will have an immediate effect and help her to sleep.  The doctor wants to discuss this more at the next appointment but she feels this is the best thing to do just now.
The doctor thinks maybe the wedding was a trigger, too much too soon, she thinks maybe hearing about the children who have passed away hasn't helped either, she thinks that maybe stepping too far into meetings with her boss just now might just be too much.  The doctor thinks it may be getting harder because it is getting closer to your birthday and christmas, because Mummy wants nether of them to come.

So Mummy is to think carefully before committing to anything, Mummy is to cancel rather than trying to be brave and face things/push herself.  Mummy is to phone the doctor asap if she feels so bad again.
I am glad I phoned Haydon.  I'm not glad I'm on more pills, and I'm scared of that, but for now I think I need this.  I will do what is advised until I can cope better without them.

Mummy went to art group, and it was just Mummy and Julie again.  It was a nice soothing time.  Mummy and Julie chatted, and I started to make a superman sign for you out of felt.  It will be perfect for you once i've finished it.

I love you bubba, so so much.  I just do xxxxxxxx I miss you so much and it hurts, and the doctor says that's ok, she wouldn't expect anything else xxxxxx