30 Days of Thanks.

I heard about this project from another Angel Mummy.  Like her, I may not be able to update this daily depending on how I am feeling, but I will try.
30 Days of Thanks.  I will try.  I have some days to catch up on, but I will try my best to focus on positives and give thanks, this could be worthwhile,

http://www.30daysofthanks.com/

Day 1.  I am thankful for my husband, and how he is my best friend, my best listener, my pair of arms that hold me and make me feel safe.  I would be lost without him.  Thank you James Kennan.

Day 2.  I am thankful for my loving family.  Sometimes they don't have the right words for me, but they try.  They are always there.  They understand my need to have Haydon acknowledged forever, and they need this too.  I'd be lost without you all. Thank you Mum, Dad, Mum in law, Dad in Law, sisters, brothers, in-law brothers and sisters, nieces and nephew, my Papa, and Kevin.

Mum, Dad and Kirsty.










My Mum-in Law and Dad-in Law                                                                

Robert, Leeann, Lewis and Lauren

Michael

Cheryl-Louise

Paula

Keith and Kevin

Casey

Papa

Drew and Kath.

Day 3.  I am thankful for my dogs.  They sense when I am having a low day and they stay near, they show me unconditional love, as do I to them.  They provide me a reason to get up in the morning and to focus on more than my grief in a day.  I thank them for giving me motivation to leave the house and go for walks.  Thank you Zakk and Brock.

Brock

Zakk

Day 4.  I am thankful that I know what it is like to be an expectant mother.  It was always a dream of mine, something I strived to do and worked hard at.  I am thankful that I felt my babies move in my belly and heard their heartbeats.  Although most days are extremely hard, I am thankful that I am a Mummy, I am thankful they stayed in my belly long enough to know they were there.  Thank you bumps.

Day 5.  I am thankful for my son.  His journey was awful, his suffering was beyond reason.  But I am thankful for him.  He filled up my heart, he gave me a purpose for life, he gave me all of my dreams at once the minute he was born on the 21st December 2011 and cried as he entered this world.  Thank you Haydon for being my world.

Day 6.  I am thankful for the friends who stay closest to me, even in my darkest days.  I am thankful that they take time out of their lives to listen to me, or try to distract me, or continue to stand by me when the going is rough.  Not everyone has.  Thank you closest staying friends, thank you for being there and caring.

Bev.

Vikki

Annemarie

Fiona

Carol

Jacs

Kirstin

Mark

Kieran

Day 7.  I am thankful for SANDS Lothians.  An amazing bunch of ladies who have all experienced the devastating loss of a child.  Thank you for being there in the very early days and Jeni especially, knowing when to call even when I've not cried out.  Thank you for the group meetings where we attended and met other parents who understood, we support each other, even if from a distance.  Thank you for offering me counselling with Ruth, that is much more than I've been offered elsewhere.  Thank you for a valuable support and a safe place to go and share my feelings, and meet others who 'know'.

Day 8.  Thank you for the security of my home and my lovely neighbours.  This street has suffered such hardship this year.  No 1, Joan lost her lovely husband the week before we lost Haydon.  No 2. Us, we lost Haydon.  No 3, a few weeks ago my lovely neighbour Catherine passed away and Jim now lives alone.  I am thankful that a street that has suffered so much reach out and try to help each other, even with the smallest of gestures.  Thank you for my home.


Day 9.  Thank you for my Art Group.  This offers a great distraction to me, in the company of another lovely angel mummy we create art pieces that are motivated by our emotions.  I find this group really valuable.  Thank you Julie, thank you for art group.

Julie.  Organiser or Art Group and a really lovely Angel Mummy xxx

Day 10.  Thank you for online communities, bereavement groups online, and forums, because this is where I have met some of the most amazing of women, all of them Mummies who are without a child or children.  These ladies, like me, have some really awful lows, struggle to find a way without their children, but yet will still reach out a hand of friendship and support.  Because they know, they just know.  I have spent so much time with these ladies online since Haydon left, I feel I know them and I feel I know their lost sons and daughters.  Friendships that are created through heartbreak, but will last a lifetime because we are all standing together holding each other up.  Thank you ladies, I really would be lost without you all, in many ways you know more about my love and loss for my son than the people in my 'real' world.  You are one of safe places, and one of my lifelines.  Thank you.

There are so many ladies I could add to this, because I chat to quite a few ladies, but I have decided to only add the Mummies who have been there, really there, on my darkest days.  Some recent losses, and some from a while ago, but they still carry this pain regardless of time passed.

Sarah

Jo

Rae

Kerri

Tracy

Day 11.  I am thankful for books.  When the days are really rough and my mind plays memories on repeat, I read.  I read books about the afterlife and angels to reinforce and reassure me that I will see my son again.  I read fiction books about other topics too, mainly comedy books or biographies to offer a distraction for my busy brain.  Sometimes, most times, I am reading 2 - 3 different books at a time, and depending on how I feel I will choose the book that best suits my mood and need.  Books to me provide another world to escape to, a world where I can escape my heartbreak for a little time in a day.

Day 12.  I am thankful for Music.  I have said forever that music is the soundtrack to my life, there has been songs since I was little that have meant a lot to me.  At various times in my life and regardless if they provoke a smile or provoke a tear I am glad I have music in my life.  During the Journey with Haydon, I had my ipod with me while I was pregnant, in hospital, then at each hospital that we stayed in, I would play music to Haydon, or by myself at night to keep me company on the days I was on my own at Yorkhill's Ronald McDonald House.  Without music I would be lost.  Music connects to my soul.  Music connects me to Haydon's soul.  Music connects me to my best friend who sadly had to leave us too.  Some tracks are hard to listen to, but that is because they matter, they are important.  I need music in my life.  I thank the friends and family that are using music as a vehicle for getting me back into 'life', because they too know the importance that music has for me.

Day 13.  I am late posting this today.  Today I have a really heavy heart and it is getting heavier by the second so I will post this and go and bury my head.  I am thankful for poetry.
I am thankful that I find comfort in writing poems, and reading poems.  Poetry for me is a release of emotions, an outlet, and sometimes a comfort if it is well written and I can empathise with it.  Poetry comes from the soul, my soul and the soul of others. Thank you for poetry.

Day 14.  This task is getting really hard now.  There's not much left at the moment that I am thankful for, but I shall keep trying.

Today I am thankful for my sons charity fund.  As much as it helps other people at the most horrible and heartbreaking time in their life that they will never recover from fully, as much as it provides precious keepsakes from their child to them that they can keep them safe forever and treasure.  As much as these gifts are a gift from my boy, created because people are so kind and generous and give in his name.  As much as all of this happens as a result of his fund, this is a selfish act, because this charity fund keeps my sons name spoken somehow, it keeps his memory alive somehow, it pays tribute to his efforts and never ending courage somehow.  I am glad he is helping others with his charity fund, but he is also helping his Mummy, somehow.

Haydon Kennan Foundation

There truly are some wonderful people in this world Haydon, and some of them are Mummy's friends.  I had to include this in my blog so that on really dark days I can look back and reflect, and take hope from special words from special people.
I was given thanks too.  As part of my project I was given thanks too.  It reduced me to tears but it touched my heart.
Thank you Annemarie.

I want to give thanks. As part of your project. So here it is.....

I'm grateful to have my friend Helen in my life. I looked on as glowed brewing her much much wanted little baby. I saw her struggle to blossom, but blossom age did. She wore her bump like a gold medal. 
We made plans to walk with our babies in the sunshine, to be regular 'Mummys'. The most conventional thing in our unconventional 

lives.
I then bite witness to the life of the strongest, most inspirational little man that I have ever known in 33 years of my life. I saw more fight, more unity, more love on the Kennan's than I could bear without crying. Regularly. As Superbaby fought.

Thank you Haydon. Thank you for teaching me that strength comes from within, that love in its essence can change lives, those who held you, who touched you and those of us who just followed you via Mummy's regular updates.
I thank you for reminding me how lucky I am. And for giving Mummy and Daddy, and all your family who adore you memories that will last all of our forevers. Thank you Haydon for giving your Mum strength to blog, to show each and every one of us that love is all that matters. Be that on earth for a short time or a long time, you were here. You still are. In so many of our hearts. But in particular in your Mummy and Daddy's hearts, conversations, dreams, memories and life. God bless you Darling. Stay with them until they feel strong enough to carry your legacy unaided. Thank you Helen. For being my friend. Xxxx
Hope you don't mind me high jacking your project, just to give YOU thanks xxxxxx

Day 15.  I already have music as one of my thanks.  But I am thankful for this song.  This song touched my heart and was played over and over when Haydon left us.  It is not my usual kind of music, but it touched my soul.  This song still gives me comfort on the darkest of days. Thank you Karen Taylor Good for Precious Child.

Precious Child. Karen Taylor Good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3c_U0ctrJDo

Day 16.  Today I am going to give thanks to Art, and in particular tattoo art.  Tattoo's to me are a form of art and expression, usually linked to an emotion or attached to a meaning.  I have never had a tattoo added to my body 'just because', all of my tattoo's are to capture a special event, a tragic event, or change in my life, or an acknowledgement of friendship.
My body has lots of body art, in some people's minds probably too much, but I am complete with these, I am more 'me' with these.
My back tattoo, and my Motherhood symbol on the base of my neck are the tattoos that are most meaningful to me, because these are for my babies.
When you have an artist like the one that I use, he is an Artist first, and a Tattooist second, and that has made a huge amount of difference to my tribute tattoo for my bubba.  Thank you Matt. He is the talent behind my masterpiece, I only had the idea and sit still for hours at a time. x

Day 17.  I have run out of thanks.  I have run out of really valuable things to be thankful for, and I don't want to add silly stuff like dog groomers and nonsense, this project was to be meaningful, so I won't clog it with nonsense just to complete the task.
Maybe I am at a time in my life, in my grief, where I am yet to move forward and be able to fully capture the beauty of life around me, and be able to be thankful for 'everything' once more.

So I thank you for reading this far, and I thank you for comments you have made as this project progressed. But I just don't have enough positivity in my life at the moment to complete another 13 days.  The completed days so far are the things I value in life at the moment.

So thank you today, for listening and paying attention and being patient while I try to work through all of my emotions xxxx