Hello Bubba.
7 months today since you left.
It doesn't feel any different, I still hurt just as much, Daddy still hurts just as much.
It could be 7 minutes since you left, or 7 years, regardless, either way I don't see 'us' getting magically better or amazingly 'over it'.
'IT' was you. Our son. We have tried so hard today to keep a brave face on, we have watched a movie and munched monkey nuts. Mummy has worked on your christmas present and the christmas angel project, she has cleaned and dusted and hoovered and bleached all day, but it didn't really help.
It is a hard day again today. 7 months. Where has the time gone? How can it be 7 months when one day has just bled into another. How can we have gone 7 months without holding you but yet remembering the most miniscule of details about you, how can it be that long and yet we still remember how you felt to touch and to smell, and how you sounded when you babbled, and how our hearts lifted when you grinned at us.
7 months. 7 months of misery. 7 months of feeling so low and so rubbish, and 7 months of feeling so tired, exhausted even with the act of trying to live. Trying to show others that we are trying to live. Trying our hardest to not let everyone see how hard we are finding it trying to live without you.
I think about who is around now, and to be honest with you Haydon, there's not all that many people. There's not the same amount or same people trying to console Mummy and Daddy anymore.
This is our lives. Most people are now sighing when we speak about you. Some people change the subject now. Some people see us trying but don't see that we fall apart after any effort, they think we are better, or that we should be better, they think Mummy should be at work helping other people to be parents, or better parents, when I can barely get moving in a day without dragging my grief luggage around with me, breaking me up at a seconds notice, pulling me down with the slightest of triggers.
To be honest, I am really starting not to mind if people aren't around much, or ask much to help now, or want to hear about you, because this is a very lonely grief and my love for you and my missing you is getting tedious for some, but it's just the same for Mummy and Daddy and it didn't get easier after your funeral, it got harder.
It didn't get easier when we started socialising a bit more, it became more of a struggle to wear a mask because most people assume if you can wear it one day then you can wear it the next too.
I am tired. I am low. I miss you. i don't care if people are getting bored of Mummy and Daddy hurting Haydon because they can turn off their computers, or their phones, or not be in contact for a while....but we live this life. We can't turn off. We don't turn off. Ever.
We live this life knowing that tragic accidents happen to children that could be prevented, tragic accidents that are just silly and careless and cost a beautiful little girl her life. I feel sorry for this baby, so does Daddy. I feel sorry that her parents will now live with this grief, and this guilt. I know that they will also live with what if's. I feel sorry for them about that too.
I feel sorry that we didn't have an accident we could have prevented, your path for whatever stupid reason was set and we had no say in it. We would have wrapped you up in cotton wool bubba because you were and are so so special and precious, we would never have taken risks with you. I say this all the time to you but I mean it...i would have given my life as a trade for yours bubba. I still would.
7 months on and my love for you hasn't changed. Our love for you hasn't changed.
A lady that Mummy knows told her this last week.....when you lose a relative, a friend, a sibling or a parent, it is devastating, you are losing a past. When you lose your child, you lose your future, you lose your dreams.
I agree with every single one of those words. What future do we have now, or what future can we create now without you in it. I hate this cruel world.
I miss you and I love you and I will keep writing to you because I need to believe that you can hear my soul and feel my heart beating for you even though you are far away.
7 Months of loving you as an angel. We love you so much bubba. We just do. We will until we can be back beside you and even longer than that xxxxxxxxx
<3 <3
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