Should We Celebrate?

I'll be another Mummy without her child, on his first birthday,

am I meant to celebrate? contemplate? or commiserate?

What am I meant to do?  What will be expected of me?

All I can do is acknowledge it.  Try and cope with it.

I can't celebrate.  I know that for definite. You aren't with me.

I can't say it's a special time, because it will be one of my hardest times.

I can't sing Happy Birthday and help you blow out candles,

I can only let lanterns go and hope they reach you in heaven to blow out with your friends.

I can't wrap up presents and watch you play with the paper like you should be doing,

I can only make you a birthday wreath that can sit on your forever bed and you'll see it from heaven.

5 weeks and 4 days until this date.

really?  I don't want it to come.

Mummy and Daddys anniversary will happen first.  Will we celebrate this year?

Last year we spent it in hospital with Daddys gift of Coffee and Cake as a treat.

Time has gone so fast, like a blur, like a dream,

No, it's like a nightmare that never stops.

This time last year, you were my bump.

My beautiful but massive boy bump.

This time last year Mummy and Daddy were choosing your name.

What a good choice we made.  Haydon means strong.

What will Mummy be like on your birthday.

What will Daddy be like aswell?

So many other birthdays around this time.

But they can celebrate.  They can all have cakes, candles and wrapping paper.

There will be laughter, and photographs, and memories.

But not for us.

We will all remember you on that day.

Balloons and lanterns will fill the sky. Candles will light your resting place.

Mummy and Daddy will try and be strong,

we'll try our best not to cry.

Followed swiftly by Christmas.

Another time we dread.

A joyful time, really?

I might spend it all in bed.

I miss you so so so much baby boy xxxxxxxxxxxxx

I love you, I just do. xxxxxxxxxxx